watchful eyes (tronnor)

fifteen; the understanding of the oracle

hey this is where i start to get into the abuse thing just as a warning :) it's not too detailed, just a sentence here and there, but just in case. enjoy!

tyler does not understand it.

he knows how much it hurts when someone you love does not accept you. he saw (and relived and reimagined and rethought) his father's face when he came out. he knows he never would have forgiven connor (who does not know about tyler and now maybe never will).

so he does not understand how troye can go back and love connor just the same. he does not understand why it is that troye still would tell connor everything and anything. he does not understand how they appear to be the same.

but then again, he does not understand how troye can be so helplessly and hopelessly in love.

tyler does not understand a lot of things.

he sees the way that connor and lana look at each other and he sees that there is not love or even lust, it's just resignation. he sees that they are only settling for something that works for both of them. he sees that they are ignoring something else in favor of something simple and easy.

he sees connor and lana and then he sees the way that connor looks at troye and he thinks about which one is real and he knows that it is not connor and lana.

so he does not understand why it is that it is lana who gets to hold connor's hand and not troye.

four days after troye came out, tyler found himself in connor's basement again. lana had art club and troye had some meeting with the chorus teacher and so tyler is alone in the room. he's covered in a blanket, picking at the strings and trying not to listen to the yelling upstairs. connor's mother is loud when she is angry. she has a million things to yell about, it seems: grades, friends, clubs, colleges. connor does not yell back, he only listens with a caved heart and crossed arms - in fear, not defiance.

tyler never understood how much words could hurt until he heard the deafening silence that responded to connor's mother's insults. he never understood what it was like to have a mother (the loving, the caring, the one who is always there for you) tear you down like a tower of wooden blocks. tyler knows that he never will: his own mother is the kind that does not yell; the kind that argues but does not yell and does not insult and does not hurt like a palm to a cheek.

he does, though, understand something else. he definitely understands why it is that connor settles for lana.

(and maybe he understands how troye can forgive so easily. it is hard not to when he now understands the biting pain that is the pressure on connor to hate troye.)