ー章.
"out of all the flowers in the world, i swear to you, if you were a flower yourself, you'd be the most beautiful flower in the garden. i'd pick you all the time. i'd grow you all the time. you'd be my special flower, just like how you're my special michi now,"
she covered her mouth with her hand, trying to muffle her screams. trying to muffle the sounds of her crying so she wouldn't wake up her mother.
he was on the other line. she thought he sounded so nice, his voice as sweet sounding as her favorite lullaby. he speaks again, this time with a sigh. "promise me you won't kill yourself tonight."
she couldn't promise that.
she'd break it.
"i don't want you to be dead girl. you should continue being alive girl." he says. "why are you talking to me?" she chokes out, wiping away her tears.
"you didn't have to pick up, but you did. that means you wanted to talk to me just as much as i wanted to talk to you, kim michi. don't push me away now."
"if i tell you why i'm worthless, will you listen? will you care?"
there was some silence on the other line, followed by some static and then some shuffling around. she almost hung up, figuring that that was his answer right there. but it wasn't. and he responded with a soft yes.
"my mom is ー she's on drugs. and she won't stop. she won't stop hurting herself and every time i try and help her, she yells at me. i don't know where my dad is, i'm always tired, and i just simply don't wanna live anymore. i'm tired of this cruel world. i'm tired of being tired. i'm tired of fucking living. i wanna disappear and stop pestering my mother. i wanna stop being ignored and stop being so fucking terrible. i'm terrible to you, i am nothing to you." she spills in one breath, choking up more on her tears.
he replies immediately, "ahh, but you are something to me, kim michi."
she wipes her cheek.
"you are more than just a girl to me. you are more than just some girl who's name rhymes with kimchi. we've been talking for a bit now and although our conversations aren't much, i take them to heart. because it's been forever since i've had a normal conversation with someone. you don't judge me. you don't worry about when my next swim meet is or when my olympic date is. i like to think you only look at me for me. as jeon jeongguk, not as the next kim taehwan. i could've talked to anyone. but i chose to talk to you. you will always be something to me, kim michi. and if you ever doubt yourself, i will be here to reassure you. if you kill yourself tonight, you'll basically be killing me."
she hugs herself, sniffles. can't control her cries.
"i am sorry about your mother. i am. but i can assure you that you mean something to her as well. you are not worthless. you are worth it. you are beautiful and you are smart and i wish i would've known you earlier, because if i did, i would've given up swimming for you. and maybe you would've helped me rethink my decision. but you didn't get a chance to, and that's okay, because i'll be here to help you rethink yours."
"please stop it."
"i like you. if you kill yourself, i'll never be able to hug you. i like you, kimchi. i like you a lot. and i'll only like you. even when i finally pass on into heaven, or hell, or wherever i go, i'll like you. forever, my attention will only and solely be on you. you, you, you, you. you are the only thing that matters to me."
+
suddenly i am crying
