Summer Journal #1 (COMPLETE)

Untitled Part 23

So, I began this series of my life in a digital book with having two amazing parents fighting each other. I started because I was suicidal, depressed, wishing I hadn't been born. I was very irrational. Pretty much everyone is who is suicidal. People are suicidal because they feel rejected by the ones they "love" or because they can't stand the opinion and thoughts of others that do or do not matter. I was suicidal because I was stupid, I hated my family given to me, I hated being a likeable guy. I hated that people would say "I understand you" or that they even tried to help me. Hated getting love and affection. But I also hated not having it. I was suicidal because my family that I loved was falling apart, my parents were drifting apart rapidly, my relationship with my siblings was deteriorating. I felt like I was alone in a crowd of people, I felt as though I couldn't be helped. I started this series of books as a different Luis. Now, today, everything's better. My parents are actually getting along, they're talking to each other, we spend time as a kinda family(that means we are all there except for my sister). My relationships with my lil' bro and sis are strong. I'm happy. Life is going good. The battle is won. Family in unity. Unity is family. I realize that I have it good, but when I see my friends whos parents are still together, it reminds me that they have it better than I do. Their parents love each other. They haven't divorced, they(the friend) haven't truly understood the pain that comes when two parents hate each other. I am jealous of the relationships  my friends have with their other friends. To them I'm just some kid who is weird and wacky and border line insane, but also smart-ish. To my close friends, they see me as the kid who never spends the night, who has over protective parents, who can't do anything, who is a Joker esc type character. To Emma and whoever else has read every single chapter of the Thoughts or even this they see a f*cked up mind inside the head of a body with a soul as beaten up and horrified as they come. To be honest, I don't know what I am. I'm just jealous of the fame on the internet, their knowledge, their mentally and physically healthy lives that they have. More followers, more reads, bigger vocabulary, smarter thinker(purposeful stupidity), just everything. I envy all my friends because they don't have my mind. The mind that created stories of death when he was only six or five, the mind that is sexist, the mind that is racist, the mind with dark humor,  the mind that has multiple thoughts of how to internally and mentally destroy his loved ones, the mind that enjoys the pain of others, the mind that wishes that he could be alone. I envy that they don't have my mind. If you are ever feeling down, just think this: I am not Luis, so therefore I've not the worst mind in the world.