What's The Worst That I Could Say?

Chapter 13- Tables are turned

Gerard's POV-

After she'd left on the Friday night,  Mikey, my geeky little brother practically ripped my face off. He went fucking ape, he'd never properly yelled at me. Sure, he'd got pissed off, but never like that. He told me how much of a dick I was, and how I should've given her a chance. He told me how she was so determined to make everything right again; as best as she could. And then he told me that I'd now lost her again. 

But that wasn't on my mind right now. No, what was on my mind was what she meant when she said I'd 'left her there with them' and how I 'wasn't there'. I mean...what the hell? What'd happened after I'd left? Did they all trash her house? No, No, they couldn't of. I remember before I...found her, that her house and basement seemed pretty much fine. Maybe they'd stolen something?

I wanted to know, it was bothering me, not knowing what had happened after we all left her. I mean, I've just thought for the past four years that they made up so lame excuse to leave or make her do some assignment she didn't want doing...but she's implying that something fucked up happened?

Mikey was right when he said, well, scratch that, yelled that I'd lost her. She completely ignored me when we coincidentally walked out of our houses at the same time and I tried to strike up a conversation with her. She didn't bother throwing me a second glance when a few hours later I saw her in the comic book store, reading an X-Men comic and drinking a coffee. Sunday was worse, because mom decided to invite her mom over for a drink, like they usually did on Sundays while dad reluctantly sat on his computer replying to old mail in his inbox. She didn't bother coming over with her mom like she used to do, she just made up some lame excuse to do some homework.

Bullshit, we weren't issued any homework this week. 

On Monday, she didn't really have much of a choice to be honest, because in Art, we had to sit beside each other, but I kept at her pace towards our next classes and sat down next to her wherever she sat. I always tried to speak to her, asking her what happened. When she didn't reply, I'd bring up the past and the adventures we went on. She only opened her mouth once to speak, and that was if I had an eraser. 

That was pretty much the same for Tuesday, and on both days she came to lunch with me and the guys. She'd speak to them all, but not to me. She'd just give me blank, emotionless stares now and again. The guys tried to get me into the conversations, try to get her to speak to me, even Mikey was making an effort, but she remained stubborn. 

Today was Wednesday, and it was already 5pm. I'd had to withstand another day of her ice cold ignorance, and to be honest, I'd had enough. I know what she'd done- she'd completely turned the tables and was treating me exactly how I treated her when she came back. I've now realized how much of a dick I've been. 

I knock three times on the door, slowly, and clearly for her to hear. Minutes later, the door opens, but instantly closes again when she sees that it's me. But, not wanting to have the door slammed in my face, I quickly shove the door open, making her stumble back. I'd always been the strongest of us both.

"Gerard, get the fuck out of my house." She muttered lowly.

I sighed. "I'm here to talk."

She scoffed. "Talk to a cactus or something, I'm not listening." She shook her head, walking away towards the kitchen. "Shut the door on your way out, you're making a draft."

I did shut the door, but I didn't make my way out. I followed into the kitchen, and she sighed when she saw I was still here.

"You're still here?"

I nodded. "Yeah. And a cactus?" I chuckled. "Why a cactus?"

She groaned. "I don't know? Just seemed right- wait, no, why am I answering to you? Fuck off, Gerard." She muttered, preparing a coffee for herself.

"No, I want fucking answers, Hells."

She barked out a cruel laugh. "Don't fucking call me that!" She mimicked my words from before. "And anyway, no way at all am I just gonna tell you everything. I tried, but you wouldn't listen-"

"I'm listening now?" I tried.

She shook her head. "Well, I'm not gonna tell you." She muttered, stomping passed me towards the living room, but I grabbed her wrist, stopping her. She angrily tugged her arm, and turned to me with an icy glare.

"Gerard, get the fuck off of me!" She snapped. I rolled my eyes, and threw her over my shoulder. She squealed with surprise, but began to angrily screech at me as I carried her up stairs. I felt her fists banging against my back, but they didn't hurt at all.

"Gerard Arthur Way, if you don't fucking put my down I swear to God-!" She screamed as I opened the door to her bedroom. I took in the surroundings for a few seconds, sighed and deposited her carefully onto the bed. She scrambled herself upwards, obviously rushing off towards the door but I shut it closed and barricaded it with her dresser.

"Now," I began, as she gave me a murderous look. "It's time to fucking talk about this now, okay?"

"No," She shook her in defiantly. "I gave you a chance, but you-!"

"Helena!" I snapped. "Give me a fucking break, okay? You tried to kill yourself, and you suddenly turn up here and decide to make amends? Of course I'm mad at you, my best friend just left me and broke contact with me for four years! I didn't even know if you were alive!"

"Give you a break? Don't you think you've done enough to me? Yes, I tried to kill myself...I was selfish for doing that to do you all. But was I selfish for hating myself, for not being able to look at myself in the mirror because I was so disgusted?  Was I selfish just to end it all, to end all of my pain?" Tears streamed down her face as her words confused me. Pain?

"Why were you in pain? Wha-"

"It was so fucking dark, Gerard! The lights were off, my mom was at work, my friends had fucked off with my best friend. You found me at the wrong time, you could've stopped it-"

"I did!" I protested. "You're alive!"

She shook her head. "No, I'm not talking about that! Before that, I meant! You came too late, way, way too late, but just in time to stop me from slipping away. I hated you for that, I hated you for not saving me then rather than there. I blamed you entirely, because you should've stayed, but you didn't. Mom sent me to Wisconsin because I was so fucked up, I wouldn't have lasted here anyway. But for the first few days, Gee..." She whispered. "I felt nothing, I saw nothing...I was nothing. For weeks, for maybe about a few months...I. Was. Nothing." She muttered, her eyes onto her cream carpet. Her eyes snapped up on me suddenly, and became fierce.

"Get out," She muttered lowly. "How dare you stroll on in here, fucking trap me in my own bedroom to confront me? Get out of my fucking house and leave me alone, Gerard. It's what you wanted, it's best for both of us. I'm dead to you, I'll keep out of your way." 

I shook my head. "He-"

"Coming back here was a mistake; I mean, how stupid could I get? Like you'd ever forgive me or understand," She muttered, turning her back to me and staring out of the window.