My Honest Book Reviews [CLOSED]

Voice Mail

C

over: 2/5

Genre: Short Story

Rating: PG- PG-13

Chapters Read: 11

Summary:

Hey this is Hayden, leave a message and I will get back to you.

"I miss you Hayden. And I love you. I will never be able to tell you that. Never. Ever. I love you so much. I really do."

Grammar:

I've read worse, really. The sentences are choppy, the lack of contractions, the spelling errors.

Seriously?

I apologize if I sound irritable, but I really just dislike books that are written once, and then never reviewed a second time by the author. I noted that in the comments of the book, even some of the readers pointed out the grammar mistakes.

The "I am" instead of "I'm" makes the dialogue sound mechanical and forced, and the sentences don't flow like they should.

This part of the story could seriously use some editing.

2.5/5

Plot:

This part kind of annoyed me.

The summary was too short and didn't give a lot of information, though I suppose short stories have equally short summaries most of the time.

The author's lack of writing experience was apparent, but I felt like the story was repetitive and going no where.

Hayden is dead because of his own hand, and he leaves these voice mails (I don't know how) to his girlfriend from Heaven. In return, she does the same to cope with his death.

The whole plot is basically just that.

Do you understand why I had a problem with this? 

He says he loves her and she says he loves him for ten chapters straight, and then on "instinct" she finds the note he left her and reads how he wanted to marry her in the epilogue.

Besides their age and the fact that this would never happen in 90%+ of teenage relationships, the humdrum routine of it all is just so unpleasant.

This, I'm afraid, needs more work than the grammar.

2/5

Characters:

First off, I'm gonna start off by explaining the main problem here.

Hayden and Laura only say how much they love each other, and a lot. You don't really get to see their love, except for the epilogue in the note. I suppose that's because one of them isn't alive, and they can't talk to each other/express their love in every way.

I guess that's what put me off.

I'm a person that believes if you don't know how to write a believable relationship (romance in this case) between two characters, take advice or read classic examples of romantic relationships (Romeo & Juliet, Jack & Rose, Harley Quinn & The Joker [I'm joking please don't take that last one seriously XD]).

It's hard, really. I'm one of those people who just can't write romance because they're not content with just that. Take for example, Chelsea Grins. You wouldn't classify the relationship between Elise and the Joker as romantic because it's unhealthy, spiteful, and abusive.

I like creating in-depth and complex relationships, even though they're technically not "romantic" in the traditional sense.

Also, another problem I had was the believability factor in the sense that the vast majority of teenagers in a relationship wouldn't marry each other at sixteen.

Sixteen-year-olds also wouldn't talk they way they would if they loved each other. I actually thought Hayden and Laura were actually married adults and he died at some point until the author clarified that they were sixteen.

All I'm saying is to make their relationship a little more believable for sixteen-year-olds and to create a little more depth to their relationship than just saying "I love you" for ten chapters straight.

2.5/5

Overall Rating:

⭐️⭐️⭐️ (Actual Rating: 2.5)

Note to Nightlck

Your story is sweet and all, but you need to fix certain things to make it believable and more enjoyable. 

I liked the concept, though, so don't worry about that.

Next Story:

His Prisoner