Dear Someone,
Today was a pretty normal day. We had a concert in Sydney, Australia. This was the last day in Australia and after this we have three days off to do whatever we want. Just kidding. Im obviously being sent to New York again. I don't know why I have to go there every break. Sometimes I would wish that management would let me go visit my family in England again. I really need them right now...I leave for New York tomorrow afternoon.
I actually don't mind having 5sos tour with us. They are really nice people and It's pretty nice to get some time to spend time with some new people sometimes. Since it was their hometown, they decided to show us around a bit. They really went shopping for themselves while me and the rest of the band just laid low behind them for a while. They had said they needed new clothes but I think they were honestly fine since Ashton alone owns around 38 pairs of jeans. But hey, what the hell.
When we got back to the hotel we sat around the living room for a while. i didn't want to stay and watch whatever movie the guys were watching so i locked myself in the little room assigned for me and Zayn. I sat in bed and stared at the ceiling just thinking I guess. but as usual, when I start to over-think somethings I ring my shithead down. i guess the depressing music I was listening to didn't really help my situation. It seems like I just can't keep myself happy anymore these days. I have to keep faking smiles for absolutely everyone and it makes me feel worse. Especially when the fans ask for a picture with them and I have to try my best to raise the corners of my mouth up so it can at least seem like I'm smiling. Sometimes when it is just not my day, I refuse to take pictures. I know, I know, I'm a huge insignificant asshole. i take blame for that. I do.
I will be completely honest and tell you that I have been having really scary thoughts lately. Kind of like mood swings, bur worse, my moods are stuck in between sad and suicidal. "Oh how selfish of you, you have everything." No I actually don't. It seems like it yes, but I don't. I have money, clothes, fans. What more can I want right? I'll tell you what I want. I want my freedom. I want to be normal again. This idea of the need to be perfect to please everyone, especially the media and just society in general, has been really been eating me alive. And like I said before, my freedom was pretty much taken away from me the day i signed a contract with Modest! Management.
I got to go. I'm assuming it's Zayn knocking on our door.
-Harry
