My Depressive Mind

My Normal

I don't know how to be normal anymore
This is my normal
I've been like this for years without even noticing it had started
I didn't know that not every middle schooler wants to die
I didn't know that wasn't normal
I wasn't aware that not every elementary schooler is absolutely terrified of their dad
I didn't realize that not everyone stayed awake for hours past their bedtime because they just couldn't sleep
Didn't know that not every kid starts crying when they're forced into new or even old social situations
Is my brain wired differently?
Is there something wrong with me?
Why am I like this?!!
Why do I have to think this way?!!
I don't know any other way...
Will I be like this forever?
Will I always think of cutting myself as therapeutic?
Will I always refuse to eat more than one meal a day and then try to throw that up?
Will I always consider killing myself a reasonable way to escape?
Will I end up with a guy who treats me like shit?
Stuck in the cycle of abuse?
I might as well not have kids so that it stops with me right?
No ones going to love me anyway.
Everyone leaves.
They see a glimpse of the real me and they get out as fast as they can
But hey,
That's my normal.