Merry-Sue: The Girl From BC

A Traditional Cave-Wedding... Well, Close Enough

"Oh, relax Bernie," Linda cooed, "Someone wages a war on us like every other tuesday evening."

A cave waitress appeared with a wooden platter carrying the royal breakfast. Merry-Sue tried to drown out her parent's bickering (which had been going on since the threat they received last night and kept virtually the entire house up) with a bowl of pine-cereal and dinosaur milk. Meanwhile, Tom sat beside her on his chair made from elephant tusks, oblivious to everything, while munching on his pterodactyl egg protein shake (he was watching his figure for the cave ladies).

"But what if he means it this time?" Bernie whimpered.

"I'm sure he doesn't," Linda sighed. She glanced at her daughter picking a small piece of pine-cone from her teeth with her overgrown fingernails and a light bulb sparked in her head, "If it makes you feel any better, we could offer our daughter to his son to prevent any future war incidents."

"That'll get both my dimwitted husband and that inept daughter of mine off my back. Two birds with one stone," Linda thought and chuckled to herself maliciously.

"Said that out loud mom..." Merry-Sue commented.

"Again? Goddammit," Linda cursed.

"Yeah... just one more thing though," said Merry-Sue, "Yeah, um, WHAT??"

"Oh, come on honey," Linda assured, "Lots of princesses get married at your age. I did."

"Mom, you were 20 when you married dad," Marry-Sue rolled her eyes.

"Shh, I couldn't have been 20 then if I'm only 24 now," Linda laughed nervously.

"Mother, I was not born when you were 11 and I was not an illegitimate child for 2 years before you got married, your logic is more than flawed," Marry-Sue said, "And that's beside the point. I am not getting married, you do this stuff like every other week."

She furiously gulped down the last of her cereal as her mother tried to convince everyone it wasn't a terrible idea. Tom was still having trouble comprehending the word marriage and there was the letter 'i' in there. Marry-Sue excused herself in a very rude manner and ran outside to reunite with Boris. She spent a good hour or so cuddling him and venting about her troubles. Boris was sympathetic, because Boris understood. In fact, Linda had tried to force-engage him to a very mean female dinosaur just to get rid of him.

It was almost lunch time, when Marry-Sue finally decided to return home. She did this every time her mother proposed such a ludicrous idea. Two weeks ago, she almost forced her into carrying the love child of Hercules' son just to avoid paying kingdom taxes. But after threatening to run away and steal all their money Linda finally realized her idea may have been a little overboard. So Marry-Sue walked back home that day thinking of all sorts of ways to blackmail her parents into not making her marry a strange vampire.

Marry-Sue didn't open the front door, because there was no front door, and just walked inside. But what she found in there horrified her. It was none other than Jonson ja te la Jonson and Jonson ja te la Jonson Junior standing in her dining room, going over marriage terms with her father. At one point, J Junior even turned around and winked at her by blinking really hardly and almost half-opening his left eye. Marry-Sue cringed.

"Ah, daughter, how nice of you to finally join us!" Linda smiled her perfectly-practiced fake grin.

"What's going on?"

"Oh, we're just arranging your wedding day. We're thinking... tomorrow-ish?" Linda said sheepishly.

"You are not serious..." Marry-Sue said.

"Oh, but I am," Jonson's cold, deep voice sounded from behind her back and she froze. She always feared he would one day decide to snack on her blood when she least suspected it. Even though he was vegetarian... But marrying his useless son and having to live in their vampire prison would give him the perfect opportunity of going against his vegetarian ways.