Fluorescents

10

"But I can't fix him, can't make him better.
And I can't do nothing about his strange weather"

The song that was meant to calm me plays into one of my ears as I lift myself up from the couch. Rest is the last thing I'll be getting tonight. Especially if we keep delaying our route. I go towards the door and pull it open ready to step out and begin to yell at whoever is the cause of the sudden stop but as I open the door I am shocked to see a figure standing there, ready to knock on the door. Alex stands in the spot heaving as if he just ran from his bus within a millisecond. When I catch his attention he stands shocked before shuffling in his place under my gaze. In the little time I have known him I have never seen him or expected to see him so baffled and even uncomfortable. His body shakes back and forth almost unnoticeably but I can tell it is because a rustling sound is coming from one of his hands.

" What are you doing?" I ask and he licks his lips before holding out a bottle of pain killers. I reach for them never gazing away from him. He seems embarrassed and before I can respond he quickly runs off. I shut the door behind me and my mind races as I stand in my spot completely confused. Every time I try to reorganize the puzzle that has been this man I only seem to become more lost. I've tried to step away from it all but whenever it seems like I'm becoming uninterested he pulls me back in and creates this overwhelming anxiety inside of me that fuels my need to know more. I know I should be unamused by his constant mood swings and pull myself away but knowing how difficult this puzzle is keeps bringing me back. I feel the need to solve him. And to know more in order to do so.

" What was that?" Shay asks and I just shake it off. The bus begins to move and I let out another breath. He must have stopped them in order to give me, pain killers? I look down at them and roll the small bottle back and forth in between my hands. I watch from the corner of my eye as Shay gazes at me, intrigued by my sudden interest in these pills that appeared out of no where. As soon as I pop open the bottle the memory comes flying back. The memory in the car. The moment I had asked him for pills because I had gotten a headache from thinking about him and about possibly losing my job.

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Flashback:

" We have to get back." I inform him as I continue to drive over the speed limit. He rolls his eyes and I try my best to ignore his reaction to my worried behavior. He obviously doesn't understand what it is to work hard for something you care about. I can tell the kind of guy he is. He's the carefree asshole who literally doesn't give a shit about anyone or anything. A headache pounds against my skull and I try my best to empty my mind. I can't let him get to me. " Can I have some of the pain killers you got?" I ask and he shakes his head before gazing back out the window. What? He was being sweet earlier but now he's back to his cruel ways.

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He remembered. I had accused him of not having a conscious earlier but now I'm not even sure. His rude behavior towards what seems like everyone , including me, has lead me to believe that he's a pretentious self absorbed asshole but yet again he has me second guessing the reasons behind his every action. How could he possibly be as horrible as I had originally presumed if he went to the extent of leaving his bus, quickly in order to not waste any time, and bringing me the pain killers I had asked for hours ago.

" Who was at the door ?" Shay steps closer towards me while gazing at the bottle in my hands. She obviously couldn't see him and didn't hear him because he didn't talk. Should I tell her? I don't look towards her as she moves and speaks because I can't seem to peel myself away from the bottle. He probably only brought them to me in order to waste more time. He was upset with the way I had spoken to him earlier and his smug attitude led him to bugging me by wasting time he knows I can't afford. 'Then why would he run' my subconscious adds and I push her to the side. I don't need more confusion right now.

I shrug my shoulders at Shay before going towards the buses small cabinets and putting it in one of them. (Don't act like you don't sometimes just shrug your shoulders when someone asks you something & you're distracted lol) Having them in my possession will only fuel my curiosity and cause my mind to wonder. Now all I need to do is try to come up with a route that will allow us to reach San Francisco earlier than expected. I pull out my phone and sit in the lounge area. I open up my maps app and allow it to pinpoint my current location.

" You're not going to bed?" She asks as I become completely engulfed in my phone. I shake my head but don't remove my attention away from my phone. " You should get some sleep." She suggests and I shake my head again and wave her off. I don't need sleep, I need to figure out a way to avoid getting fired. " Ok fine. Suit yourself." She chirps before exiting behind the curtain. I ignore her behavior and continue my quest to find a faster route. I flip through the streets, after it gives me my current location, in hopes that it'll give me anything shorter than a 5 hour drive. After almost half an hour of searching through traffic and retrying every possible path I find one that will have us there in a little under 4 hours. I show the bus driver and he takes the route after using his radio to inform the other drivers. When it's all set and done I make my way back to the lounge area on the bus and try my best to rest my eyes for several minutes. Except I can't. My mind is wheeling with thoughts of the rude yet kind bandmate. I wish I had someone to reconcile with at these hours but it's too late and I'm all alone.

I miss Matt. During the tour me and him spent a lot of our time together and shortly after it their label allowed them a break and we were able to spend most of our time together as well. Now that I'm back on another tour and his break is over our free time is restricted. I can't even call him whenever I want to anymore. This is how it must be for his wife. I don't even know how she found the strength to date a busy man like him. I would never put myself through the torture of going through a constant long distance relationship. It would be too arduous.

I shift in my spot on the couch and groan at my own discomfort. Im not uncomfortable on the couch, the bunks aren't any more comfortable,  but I'm just uncomfortable with the way my life is going right now. I keep telling myself that I'm extremely happy with the job I have but it has its disadvantages. I've finally come to the realization that friendships and relationships aren't something I'll be able to hold with this job. They'll only ultimately crumble and fail. As my mind drifts and I lay in my thoughts of misery and loneliness I slowly drift off into a deep slumber.