Fluorescents

68

" Poise and panache for,
Some broken bachelor"

the lyrics play almost unnoticeably in the background from within the bus as i step inside, my tears still trailing my cheek as i walk through the bus and towards the back onto the couch at the very end of it. I rush to shut the random music coming from my phone that i must have started playing on accident and throw myself on the couch and lay my face flat against the fabric, screaming into it and muffling my pain. My heart and body ache as i try to compose myself and my many whirling and screaming thoughts. Thoughts of the pain he has caused me and the thoughts of the beauty in the way he makes me feel when im not in tears from either sorrow or anger. The way this man has managed to make me feel with every single one of his words, actions and lyrics seems to be amplified as oppose to the way that anyone else has ever made me feel. Its both a blessing a curse to feel pain and happiness so strongly when in his presence.

I scream once again into my pillow before pulling away and hearing a door opening and a shuffling noise coming from the front of the bus. My heart stops from within my chest and I swiftly lift my head from against the couch. My feet trail the ground before i step up, trying to be as quiet as possible as i hear the noises amplify and insinuate that the figure is coming closer and closer. My breath hitches in my throat and i wipe my tears as the footsteps stop from in front of the curtain and i see a familiar shadow lean towards one of the bunks. The shuffling continues and i brush my hair from my face and finish cleaning the tears trailing the edges of my features before i reach forward and move the curtain, the familiar figure becoming much more familiar against the small amount of light  coming in from the venue's street lights outside.

" He-hey" she stutters, her hands shaking as she rushes to put something in her hands behind her back and away from my view. I clear my throat and try to make it clear that i notice what she's trying to hide but she still doesnt bother to budge, even once i lift an eyebrow to further instigate a sense of curiosity and concern into the atmosphere. " i-I cant." she simply mutters, a look against her features instantly worrying.

" Whats- whats wrong? are you ok?" i practically whisper, instanty concerned after seeing the practically terrified look spread across her face. She opens her mouth to speak but shuts it shortly after. " Tell me." I eventually speak, causing her to jump slightly in her spot.

Tears comfort every curve of her face as she pulls the bottle from behind her back, her heart rate surely pacing and her heavy breathing inflating her chest quickly. My own breathng siezes as she hands it to me, the small bag with white powder visible from inside the orange container. My mouth opens to speak but i realize i have no words. I stutter from in front of her but nothing full comes out in time.

" I just- I dont- I dont I have to its just-" she stuters trying to speak a full sentence but very obviously failing although before she can find the ability to i interrupt.

" What are you doing with this?" i ask, my mind trying its best to make sense of any of it without tainting the image I had conserved of her. The image of the woman that i had come to mindlessly admire and love. The woman that i thought i had come to know. " Just- what- why?" i ask still not sure what to say or what to think and simply speaking as if im expecting her to just come out and say its all a joke.

" I'm- I'm selling it." she finally speaks between low sobs. My mouth opens once again and I scoff, avoiding her gaze and still looking down at the container. " I needed to - I needed to cause of my mom- I didnt have-" she tries justifying it and my body instantly stops her as i interrupt her, thoughts from what she had told me before catching up and making sense of what has been occuring under my very own nose. (pun not intended)