Stockholm Syndrome (Frerard)

18: Think Happy Thoughts

Media: Gerard

It felt like it should've been the end of the day but it was still only near noon. I guess morning sex wasn't really what I was used to. We were driving now, after debating whether to go to a belleville police department or New York City. New York was a few extra hours and we wanted the time to spend together but we decided on Belleville. It was only ten minutes away from Gerard's house, so I had to ask the question right away.

"Hey, Gerard?"

"Yeah?"

"Uh, this is kinda weird but- how do you know you love me? Like- what does it feel like?" I asked slowly, my time quickly running out. I wanted to know what I felt for him before we got to where we were going because of the fact I might never see him again.

"Still stuck on that? Well for one, i'm driving you to my doom right now. I could go to jail for the rest of my life and i'm willing to take that risk for you even though i think its totally pointless-" He sighed, and I could tell that this really bothered him more than i thought it did. And here I am making him risk his life for me. He was being dramatic though. He was already cleared for Bert and Faith, you cant get a life sentence for sheltering a homeless kid. But still, he didnt wanna do it and Im making him anyways. Is that love?

"Secondly-" He spoke softly after calming down a little bit. "I've never written a song for somebody before. And i've never shown anybody the songs i've written. So that must mean something, right?" I nodded slightly, thinking. It seemed so easy. Maybe to him love is just a little word to describe your feelings. The easiest way to let someone know how much you care. And maybe it is. If theres no definition for it then how can someone truly know? I guess Gerard doesnt know either. He just feels for me what his idea of love is. And i feel for him what my idea of it is. It doesnt matter if i'm wrong, i still feel something and I wanna let him know that. I think I could love him.

"You okay?" Gerard asked after a few moments of silence, i forgot I hadnt replied to his last statement.

"Oh, yeah- i'm just thinking about stuff."

"Stuff?"

"it doesnt matter-"

"It's about what I said, isn't it... Just- Forget I even said it." He said, having yet another one of his personality flips. His mouth was set in a firm line, reminding me of some of our first moments together. Him hiding his emotions under a poker face, hands tight on the steering wheel, staring forwards and acting like he actually cares about driving laws as an excuse not to look at me.

"It's nothing bad, trust me. Just trying to figure stuff out."

"I said forget about it."

I hesitated before speaking again. "Gerard-"

"I didn't mean it." He cut me off. I knew he was lying but something about what he just said hit me like a train. I guess when someone you think you might love tells you that they didn't mean it when they said they loved you will hurt you whether its true or not. Especially because these next three minutes could be our last. I mean I know it wouldnt be forever either way- if they take me away ill be 18 soon anyways and if they take him away it wont be for long. And if he does love me he's gonna want to find me as soon as he gets out. And i'll wanna find him as soon as I'm free to live on my own. It just sucks that I wont be able to tell him how I feel until I see him again. And i'll spend all that time wondering if he really meant it or not.

I could think of so many things that could happen if I didn't tell him now. If we did end up getting separated then he go on thinking I didnt love him back and try to forget about me. And eventually he would. And I would be aware of that. But I am young and I have a whole life of meeting people ahead of me. And i'd be too caught up in my own self doubt to go find Gerard again. And he'd be too stuck on the fact that I never said it back to look for me. So either I have to tell him now or just hope that everything goes perfectly and I can keep living with him.