Overlooking The Moonlight Eye

Managing The Best We Can Part 2

"Stop" I shake my head, pushing Alex away, I try to back up but I'm already pressed firmly against the door, certainly not going any further. "how much do you remember?"

"I remember kissing you in the kitchen and us fighting about it on the car ride there. Then you were drunk and said something I can't remember to me and flipped out and ran into the woods. Then we kissed until we passed out."

"and?"

"And... we walked back to the campsite...?" he says as more of a question of uncertainty.

I card my fingers through my hair and try not to look too upset. "I can't fucking do this" I mumble going to leave but Alex is still too close and he keeps me from leaving.

"What else happened?" he asks

I bite my lip in hesitation, deciding whether or not to tell him. I can feel the stickiness of the hair gel between my fingers and really want to wash them, but it would only prolong the enevitable. "We fought and I knocked you into the mud where we rolled around a bit and got filthy. Then Danielle found us and took us back to the campsite" I look up to see if I have to explain more or if he's beginning to remember, but the look on his face tells me to urge on. I swallow hard. "So we walked down to the lake to clean up and fought then too."

"What were we fighting about?"

"Uhm..." I scratch the back of my head "the fact that I'm not gay"

"But-"

"Not the thing right now" I cut him off. "Anyways, you had that look on your face the entire time, that was until you basically started doing a strip tease to prove that I am gay" I see his cheeks tint pink but I keep on marching "and I got so angry at you and basically my entire body tensed up then when it relaxed I threw up"

"and that's why we went home early" Alex concludes.

"Yeah" I have to look away because the guilt is too overwhelming "We went home early because of me and we got in an accident because of me"

I feel a strong pair of arms wrap around my torso. "It's okay, I forgive you" Alex says, probably because convincing me that it wasn't my fault was useless.

I don't hug back. "I can't, Alex." I push him off "I just fucking can't right now."

Alex doesn't move very far, being as stubborn as he is. "Because you're straight?" he asks

"Yes...no... maybe, I don't know Alex"

"What's going on?" he asks, his hand twitching at if it wants to take mine, but gave up at the last minute.

"Nothing" I say studying the ground "Just, this, me and you, I can't."

"Because you're straight?"

"No, God, fuck, Alex." I'm getting frustrated now. "Because I was sitting next to you for weeks, not knowing if you'd wake up. I've never felt so scared in my life. Then you wake up, and forget about me. I can't do it Alex, I can't go through something like that."

"Ya'aburnee"

"What?"

"Ya'aburnee" Alex repeats like I should know what the hell he's talking about "it translates to 'You bury me' in Arabic. It's basically saying you hope you die before another person because living a day without them would be too hard. Ya'aburnee."

I look at him with an emotion that I can't explain. There's understanding and anger and sadness and uncertainty.