Overlooking The Moonlight Eye

The Irony Of Falling In Love With Cocaine

My bed squeaks as I bend down to stick my face next to my table. With one nostril closed, I'm able to inhale another line of cocaine; the white miracle in powdered form. So like snow, but for adults.

When I come back up, I let my eyes roll back for a moment before rolling ontop of whomever was naked and in my bed at the moment.

She moans, I'm too high to notice much else.

After another round of real life porn, another round of cocaine trails behind it. I almost laugh at the irony of the situation. See, cocaine is structurally similar to Phenylethylamine, a hormone responsible for the feeling of love. It's odd, the places I chose to find love, with fake boobs and fake hormones. I, like many others, have chosen cocaine over love.

I wonder how much coke I have to do before it kills me, I think this as I snort another line. I haven't decided if I want to die yet or not, but with the path I'm on, I'm getting there pretty quickly;  or that's what Danielle tells me at least.

Or maybe it was Ryan who told me that. He's around a lot too, they feel like they have to take care of me, which I hate but it's probably for the better. They're really amazing, I should send them a fruit basket.

I must've passed out because when I wake up the girl is gone and Ryan took her spot, seeming to be laying there patiently, waiting for me to get up. "When are you going to stop this?" he asks

"When this feeling goes away"

"It's not going to go away"

"What the fuck do you know about love, Ross?" I ask angrily, I hate it when people try to relate to me. I want to wallow in my own sadness, it's my pity parade, no one else's.

He chuckles "You'd be surprised."

I turn my head to look at him "Tell me a story"

"A story?" he repeats. "Well, okay. Once upon a time, there was a boy..."

Ryan goes on to tell me about a boy (who sounds very similar to the person narrating the story), that was kind of a nerd in high school. "She taught the scarved boy that music is the same as a heart beat. Nessisary. Relevant." Ryan looks down at his hands "that every note has a meaning and every heart has a purpose" He says that the brunette girl with the odd sense of humour that fits everyone, taught the geeky boy how to play guitar and how to love himself.

"What happened to them?"

"Well," Ryan sighs "They stayed best friends all through high school and ended up drifting apart after going to different universities"

I didn't say anything after that. The silence between us was comfortable.

---------

Gerard takes a different approach on the situation. After awhile he gets sick of all the moping around and takes things into his own hands, not liking how Dani and Ryan are dealing with me.

"Get the fuck up" Gerard marches into my room and opens the curtains after setting a giant cup of coffee on my bedside table.

"Ow, Gerard, what the fuck?" I whince at the sunlight that pours through the window, hammering nails into my brain.

"It's time for you to get the fuck up" he says, ripping off my covers "Shit happens. People get hurt. People die. You're not the only one to go through this." he jumps up onto my bed, just standing on my bed like an eight year old. "I'm sick and tired of you walking around the house like your goldfish exploded, Alex is still alive and well just a few doors down"

"But-"

"No buts, Jack. The only butt I want you to be concerned with is your own when Alex has his way with you" he takes my hands and pulls me into a sitting position easily, something I wouldn't have expected from such an unassuming guy like Gerard.

He pushes me into the bathroom for a shower and I begrudgingly do what I'm told, putting on skinny jeans and a clean t shirt afterwards.

"Now" Gerard does his little signature half smile. He starts dragging me down the hall and I immediately know where this is going. Unfortunately, he's strong when he's determined and manages to throw me into Alex's room.

Alex looks up from his desk with a surprised look on his face. "Jack?"

"Uh...yeah, hi" I say, awkwardly scratching the back of my neck.

"What are you doing in here?" he asks, standing up from his desk and taking a few steps towards me.

"Um, Gerard" I tell him, like that excuse was going to explain everything. Hopfully it will.

There's an awkward silence, but Alex breaks it. "I haven't forgotten yet, about the woods. How we fought-"

"Alex-" I try

"How we kissed. How we giggled." he walks closer to me

"Alex, stop"

"Know what else I remember, Jack?" he says with a half smile "you made me a promise the next day. So my only question is, when are you going to fulfil that promise?"

"Alex...I dont- I cant..." I'm begging him not to do this to me.

"Can't what, Jack?" he comes even closer and I can feel his breath on my skin.

I close my eyes and try to be anywhere but here, but when I open my eyes again Alex is still there and I still have to deal with reality.

My body gets bored waiting for me to give it a command so it takes matters into it's own hands and leans forward to kiss Alex lips magnetising to each other.

It's easy, kissing him again. We fall back into how we've always kissed: needy and full of bottled up emotions. Every day apart comes out in this kiss and an overwhelming feeling of joy floods my veins.

His hands come up to cup my cheeks while my fingers wrap around his waist. "Fuck you, Alex" I say, not bothering to stop kissing him. I don't think he understood me.

I bite his lip a little bit before working my tongue into his mouth. It's a good feeling, it really is, but all I can think about is how much I was hurting in the past few months. My fingers tighten around his waist, the top two digging into the skin under his shirt on either side. He whimpers, which I'd normally find sexy, but my thoughts override it quickly. I don't want to hurt anymore.