Sunsets

10.Because of me

Marc

(Flashback)

It's been 3 weeks since I left home.

3 weeks since I last talk to Emma.

And 3 weeks since I left her. 

My Yasmine.

What's happened in 3 weeks you ask? Well, nothing. I sit here in the 2 bedroom Tyler and I are renting and contemplate what life is everyday. 

Everyday, all day.

What the point in all this? Why did I make the choices I did? Why did I leave home? Emma? Her?..

Sometimes when I think back to that day and I am proud. Proud that I was strong enough to leave her. It was for her own good whether she wants to believe that or not. I was affecting her negatively like I do with everything. Me and my pessimist side. Well it's not necessarily a side, it's just who I am.
I was bringing her down. All we did was argue at that point. The arguments were nonsense. We would just start them over nothing.
If she didn't reply with in 30 minutes, even though I knew she was at work or school, I would start one.

The arguments that she would start would have to do with meeting me, or just seeing a picture of me. I would always deny cause I knew she wouldn't want me if she saw me. Who would want a heartless asshole...

But sometimes I think back to that day and think how stupid I was. I know I hurt her.. I promised I wouldn't leave her and that's what I did. I've left her before in the past over petty stuff but I would always come back or she would. But it was different this time. I normally would text her later that day or the next. But not this time. Even if I did she made it clear that she would never forgive me. I hurt her to much this time.

..(flashback in a flashback).. That day.

"Hey love," she said forced happy voice into the phone.

"Hi Yasmine," I replied. This is it. I can do it. It's for her, so she can find someone who deserves her.

Why can't I deserve her?

"What's wrong Marc?" her voice changed to concern. She is always so caring. She cares for everything and everyone, even when they don't deserve it.

Like me.

"Nothing"

"Ah, come on. If I can't say that word than neither can you." We had banned that word because we both knew it was never 'nothing'. "Talk to me, Marc. What's in your mind? Did something happen at home? With you mom?"

"Fuck! Yasmine, if I wanted to Fucking talk about it, I would. Why can't you just leave shit alone? It's so fucking annoying!"

Silence.

"I'm sorry.." she whispered.

I could hear the pain in her voice. That almost broke me. Almost made me go back in my choice. But then I heard a sniffle.

She was crying.

Because of me.

Again.

How many times have I made her cry in the pass 3 years? I've honestly lost track. This is what I do, I hurt people. Normally I don't give a shit,but with her, it was different.
I had tried changing in the past. Being a better person for yasmine but I would always fail. I can't change who I am.

My mother made sure that I would become a fuck up.

"Let's talk about something else? Today I went to go see The Lego Movie with my sister. It was-"

"God just shut up! I don't care what you did today!"
I couldn't hold back. I needed to annoy her. I needed to hurt her just this one last time so I won't hurt her anymore.
My fucked up logic.
Truth was I wanted to hear about her day in detail from start to finish. I wanted to hear about the movie. I wanted to hear about her sister that was actually her niece. Hell I even wanted to hear about the person working the ticket booth.

"Oh... Okay... We can just talk later, okay? I love you." Yasmine replied cautiously in a small voice.
I knew what she was doing. She was trying to avoid arguing. Thinking that if she gave me space I would cool down. But that wasn't gonna happen. I knew how she worked.

When I said, 'Why can't you just leave shit alone?' she heard, why can't you leave me alone!

When I said, 'It's so fucking annoying!' she heard, you're so fucking annoying.

When I said 'I don't care what you did today!' she heard, I don't care about you.

And last but not least, my silence. She said ' I love you', so she was waiting to hear it back.

"Bye, Yasmine" I forced trying to take all the pain from my voice.

"Wait what? What do you mean 'bye' what did I do?"

"You did nothing. It's what I've done. I've been lying to you."

"What do you mean?" she gasped.

"I don't love you."
"Yes... you do" she replied confused.
"No I don't. I've never loved you. I honestly don't know why I said I did. I don't know why I've lied to you for this long."
"You're lying now," she argued.
I laughed humorlessly, "Yasmine you are coming off needy, not very cute. Look I just wanted to tell you the truth about all this."
"So you're saying you've been lying to me for 3 years?.. Why?"
"I think it was boredom. Hearing about how pathetic you and your life was, just gave me something to do."
She gasped.
"Well I should get going, I've gotta date with this hot blonde. Did I ever tell you how much I like blondes? Alright, bye."
The line went dead...

(end of flashback inside the flashback)

I miss her. 

I still had so many questions. Why did her voice stain when she said hi? I wanted to know if something happened that day. I wanted to know what she was doing then? and right now even?

Was she thinking about me? Probably not. Yasmine is strong, she doesn't need me like i need her.

The ringing of my phone brings me from thoughts, The bitch.

With a sigh i answer, "What?"

"Now is that anyway to talk to your mom?"

"I don't have one of those."

"Oh shut up kid. You need to watch Emma, i'm going out."

Is she fucking serious?

"Look woman, you need to lay off whatever you're on. Emma was taken away from you! She is living with her dad now. What kind of mother doesn't remember their daughter being taken from them!?"

"Wait- What?" 

"Shit woman! Go to fucking rehab! Leave me alone, okay? I want nothing to do with you anymore."

"Marc, you cant leave me too..." she whisper helplessly lost in her new reality.

"I already did."