One Shots » muke

Finding Love (in a Blue Capsule) ~B

Warning, this one shot contains subject matter that could be triggering or hard to read (severe depression with some mentions of suicide) so just a fair warn as you continue

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Michael

I don't care what anyone says, there is no worse feeling than the feeling of not be wanted or cared for. All my life I have never once felt like people cared about me, wanted me around them longer than a few minutes because they soon realize I'm nothing more than a waste of space.

I am just a waste of oxygen who doesn't deserve to be loved.

Sure on the surface there seems to be people who appear to love me and want to be with me, like our fans. Being in 5 Seconds of Summer has been this wild and crazy adventure that I wouldn't change for the world and we have just started to pick up and become popular. We are finally starting to get the recognition that we alway wanted and I should feel a lot more happier than I do but I don't, not even a little. I am constantly having to fake my excitement and happiness to the public and I am lucky no one has noticed yet.

The fans love us, they're devoted to us but they don't really know us. They scream and shout our names and say they love us but would they really if they new us too well? They don't know who we are and where we came from, if they really knew me they definitely wouldn't love me for sure. How could anyone love someone so broken? I could never understand which is why I still don't understand why Luke is still with me. Probably cause he doesn't know the real thoughts that go inside my brain because if he did he would be scared and run away.

We've been together for almost a year and I really don't deserve him, I don't deserve to be with someone so happy and who loves life when I can't stand mine. We started dating around the time our band started to pick up and at first I was so happy that he had finally noticed me and felt the same way but then the fears of him finding out what kind of person I am took over me and I tried to back out and end it but the times we were together were so perfect he made me forget my sorrows.

It was like that for a long time, me wanting to break it off and finally do it but then I would see his smile or hear his laugh or just touch him and all those feelings would wash away. But then those thoughts came back stronger than ever and I just wanted him to have someone better than me but I could never bring myself to do it or find the right time to do it so here we are a year later and I feel stuck.

"Hey babe, which shirt should I wear tonight for the concert?" Luke asks breaking me away from my thoughts as he held up two different shirts in front of me.

"Um the blue one," I said with a weak smile.

"Are you okay?" He asked setting the shirts down on the couch in our dressing room as he took a seat beside me.

"Yeah, I'm just tired,"I lied giving him a smile and a fake yawn.

"I know how you feel, this tour is taking a lot out of us," he said cuddling up my to side wrapping an arm around my waste like he always did.

I just hummed in response and closed my eyes for a few seconds as I placed a soft hand on his back causing him to cuddle more into me. We had a few more minutes before we had to go on stage so Luke got off me and changed his shirt, I had already missed his touch but I should get use that feeling. I didn't bother changing because it's not like it matters what I wear, a change of clothes won't make me any less unhappy than I already am so who cares that I've been wearing this shirt for a few days.

Doing one last check we all headed to the stage and I had to muster up the best fake smile and excitement I could find in order to keep the facade I had going. I was good at it by this time so no one would be able to tell.