Hollow || Gruvia

three;

❝they say you can't love others
if you don't love yourself,
but some of us love others so much
we have no love left for ourselves.❞

She's sitting here beside me, again - more perked up than the last time I saw her. "Hey, Juvia."

She's smiling at me.

"Hey.", I tried to reply as naturally possible, but my lips arched a certain way that I'm sure she could tell.

I'm still uncomfortable.

I still feel suffocated and trapped. Sometimes I just want to see him and clasp onto his hands forever. He's like my oxygen, because I've ignored everyone around me for so long. But this love is too dangerous - for him and myself, the person I've ignored the most.

"Juvia, do you want me to move?", she asked with a sense of disappointment lingering in her tone. Even though I was the uncomfortable one, I could see that she was gripping onto her folder more tightly, her eyebrows beginning to furrow ever so slightly. Do I make her feel uncomfortable?

"No, it's fine.", I replied instinctively. It wasn't fine, but I felt so bad.

I thought I was the one feeling uncomfortable, but it must hurt to be treated so dismissively, right?

Is this how he felt with me?

Was I just hopelessly infatuated?

My thoughts always trail back towards him, reminding me of my trapped fate. I thought that if I got away from him, it would all change. At this rate, I'll never make any progress. But I just have so many unanswered questions about him, and more importantly, myself.

"Juvia, you've been spaced out for a while now.", she broke my trail of thoughts. A gleeful smile was spread out across her cheeks. It was almost as if I hadn't said anything rude earlier. While I pondered, ignoring everything around me, she'd been trying to cheer me up all this time.

From the moment I first entered this hall, she's been there for me.

And I ignored her for some irrational reason.

I ignored her because I'm not used to it. That was really my reason? No wonder why he asked me such a question. If I'm this weak-willed, I'll never create an identity for myself. I could never find a dream. I could never be proud to be called Juvia.

"Is there something wrong?"

"No, it's nothing.", I smiled. She's very kind.

Even though I would've happily ignored her, she continues to smile at me so fondly. Her golden tresses, they fit her personality perfectly. It's so warming, so precious.

"Let's just focus on the lecture."

And so different from me.

- J

•••

"Oi! Gray, get up! You've been lying like this forever.", Natsu pressed his hands against the table, roughly.

A single shudder, and I awoke from my drowsy state.

"Hey, watch it. Idiot.", I sneered at him, my nose flaring on it's own.

Why is he here?

I could see his face turning an ample red. His fingers left scratches as he dragged them along the table, a symbol of his uncontrollable temper. He balled his hands into a fist, an unsteady trembling caused by his anger.

"What did you call me?", he lunged forward, unable to control himself.

So annoying.

Why is he so worked up anyway?

"I'll sit on my own. Bye.", I replied dismissively, dropping my gaze to his clenched fists.

I'm not in the mood for his childish games right now. In fact, I'm not in the mood to do anything.

Just leave me alone.

He looked at me quizzical, almost worried. It looked like he wanted to ask me something, but decided not to. He dropped his head lightly, the fiery passion dying out like a worn out candle. Wanting to escape the tense atmosphere as soon as possible, I walked away.

I hate this. Why am I hurting everyone around me?

Even though these thoughts spiralled through my mind, I couldn't help it. I didn't have anywhere to vent. In fact, she was the one I often told my problems to. She probably never realised, but I confided in her quite a lot.

Even though I dismissed her, she was so persistent that we ended up as close-friends anyway. And now, I can't do any of that. I can't call her name, act cold and then later try to patch things up. I can't listen to her talk about a certain guy who never pays attention to her even though it was clearly me. I can't do any of that.

It's funny.

I'm wounded. Ironic, right? She never said anything hurtful to me. I did. I was the one that blindly threw around words so lightly, never thinking about the drawbacks. I guess this is what I deserve. In the end, you reap what you sow.

She's probably smiling at someone else by now, right?

But even though I know it was my fault, I still believe what I did was for her sake. So that she'd escape a world of hurt from such a complex yet shallow character.

I'm so torn.

I can't live like this.

- G