Hollow || Gruvia

nine;

❝I can't even begin
to describe this feeling,
it's like staring into a mirror.
I want it to crack so badly,
but it won't.❞

I'm so sorry.

"Lucy.", I repeated, falling into her open arms. The tears wouldn't stop, cascading down one by one. I wanted to cry forever.

It was like a weight had been lifted and at the same time, like a haunting guilt was looming over me.

Of all the things in the world, I did not deserve this. I did not deserve to be in her embrace, yet here I was.

Crying on her shoulder, begging for comfort.

"Juvia, don't worry.", her voice cracked as she reassured me, the touch of her firm hand on my back calming me down. "You can talk to me about it."

Talk?

I wish she never said that to me. Even though I knew that's why she was here, I couldn't comprehend.

It made me realise. It made me realise how far I'm willing to go, willing to hurt her. It made me realise how truly despicable I am.

I knew this was wrong - to try and ignore her again, but this fear, it was just too overwhelming.

Will she understand?

My mind sinks into an abyss each time, each second I try to imagine her reaction. The vibrant smile, the one-sided gestures - I don't want to lose that.

I'm selfish.

"I get it. You're scared, aren't you?"

I really am selfish.

Her words were so blindingly accurate, so unapologetic. Yet, when our eyes met, it seemed like those words hadn't even existed. It seemed so eerily distant.

Pain.

It was like staring at a mirror, looking at her. The pain in her gaze, shrouded by her familiar smile - only it felt so hollow.

I let her become the person I hate so much.
Juvia Lockser.

Always. I always absorbed my sorrow, bottled it up and smiled at him because he deserved to be surrounded by light, not darkness. I ignored how I felt, covering it in a coat of love. Not once did I think I deserved an ounce of that light, even when he was the guilty one.

I let her become the person that I hate so much. She has so much hope, so much potential in life. I can't let her feel even an ounce of what I felt.

And even though I say that, she has.

That will never change.

To be me, it's like being submerged in nothingness.

I hate myself.

I really hate myself.

"Yes.", I whimpered, unsure of whether was what I wanted to say. Everything was a blur, but I knew one thing.

I could not bear to hurt her again.

"Lucy, please don't be sad.", I began, my voice muffled by her shoulder.

"I just. I just feel so lost.". I was barely able to finish that sentence as the tears welled up, rendering me speechless.

I've hurt someone in the same way I was hurt by him.

I didn't even realise.

Lucy.

I feel so disgusting.

I feel so dirty, so unworthy of this world.

- J

"It's okay to be scared. "

He was right.

She's been here crying all along and I didn't even notice.

I'm so despicable.

I've been selfishly complaining about our friendship when she's been trying so hard for me.

Her expression oozed of pain, full of words that she has held back. The overriding sense of doubt so explicitly obvious.

It took me this long.

Her voice was as soft a whisper, weak and lifeless.

"I'm hollow.", she muttered. I felt a tear soak my shoulder, it's warmth so contrastingly different to her state.

Hollow?

What do you mean?

She freed herself and stared down at me. Although she never spoke, I knew exactly what she was saying. The fear, the emptiness.

She felt like this all along?

Why?

I want to know why...

But I can't ask her.

No, rather I don't feel worthy of asking her. I never suspected this for a single moment. Even a stranger was able to understand her better than me. 

Friend?

I have no right to claim that title.

"Juvia, have you been eating properly?", I questioned, trying to draw her away from those thoughts.

"No. I'm sorry Lucy.", she replied, her voice brittle and wearing thin. She apologised, almost as if she had done something wrong to me.

"Okay, I'll make something for you.", I responded, taking my first steps down the hallway.

I thought that you hated me.

But from the beginning,

I was never worthy of your warmth.

- L

*************

Thank you for your patience everyone.