Hollow || Gruvia

four;

❝I don't know what
I am more afraid of:
to see you again or
to never see you
again.❞

"Juvia, let's have lunch together." Her expression was as gleeful as always.

"Don't you think our relationship is progressing too fast?", I asked. I don't think she quite understood the gravity of the question though.

I'm beginning to think she's not very good at reading situations.

I know I've accepted her into my life but honestly, I can't deal with this pace.

"You talk as if we're dating!", she swooned, covering her face as if there was a blush to hide.

Is she making fun of me?

"Speaking of dating, do you have someone you like?"

A faint blush formed on her cheeks, curious to know. Her smile was so casual, and I'm sure she didn't mean to pry. She's too kind for that. Yet even though it was such a casual question, it felt like she was peering at me intently, almost intrusively, waiting for an answer.

I feel uncomfortable again.

An image of his face appeared, prickling at the thinly-veiled peace I've had.
"No.", I replied, a simple exhalation of a word that could possibly never be true.

It was all too obvious - the grimace of my expression, and the sudden pursing of my lips at the question. The slight furrow of an eyebrow, the narrowing of my eyes and my quickening breath. So painfully obvious.

I'm still trapped by the thought of him, or rather, I'm ashamed of the person I was when I was with him. So weak, so deluded.

Even after deciding to change, I'm still trapped. Perhaps they were just empty thoughts, an empty conviction.

"Maybe I was being too intrusive.", she attempted to brush off the subject, averting her gaze from me. "Sorry."

"It's okay.", I replied.

It wasn't.

I didn't mean to dismiss her, not again. Honestly, it pains me. I thought that I could be natural with her, but when it's about him - I can't control myself. Even as I felt bad, my mind was flooded with thoughts of him.

It reminded me.

It reminded me that I'm still attached to him, self-conscious and unwilling to change. It reminded me of how weak I was, unable to hold my own ground without him nearby. It reminded me of why he never wanted someone like me, someone so hollow.

"Lucy, why did you pick History?", I asked, to break my trail of thoughts. It was an empty question, something I was hardly interested in - small talk, just to fill this awkward void of time.

To me, nothing has ever been so interesting as him. Perhaps when I was young, I had other aspirations, but I can't remember it. So when someone talks about their ambitions, I sort of feel detached, like I'm floating in the ocean but no one is there to grab me. It hardly ever interests me.

No.

It's not like I have to shroud my dignity anymore. I know I don't have any.

I've been wanting to ask this for a while, to settle that unsettling abyss I felt as I looked at every determined face. They all frighten me, like vampires under sunlight. I thought that perhaps facing my weakness was bold, a first step in patching up the holes in my life. However, when our eyes met, I only felt my presence dwindle even more and those holes widen. Her gaze was so dazzling, so bright, so vast

and so unlike mine.

"It's my dream to teach it one day."

Her dream...

- J

•••

"Gray, we need to talk."

Erza was looming over my body, but my eyes were intently fixated on the chalkboard, even though the lecturer hadn't arrived. I know why she's here.

I took anything, any chance to get my mind off her. I've even begun studying properly.

I would love to face her, but what right do I have? I would love to tell her how I truly feel, but then moments later I know I'd regret it.

"Gray, look me in the eye.", I was met with a menacing growl.

Unlike that idiot, she had probably caught on. Juvia and I, the both of us were always together. Erza had always warned me to treat her well, because one day, she'd get tired of me.

I can't believe it actually happened.

"Gray, where's Juvia?", she roughly cupped my chin, boring into my eyes with her own.

I made her hate me, but how can I tell her that?

I could only meet her with silence, because I had nothing to say. I'm sure she already knew why she's not next to me. It's obvious.

My gaze dropped, shamefully. My mind was instantaneously flooded with reminders of my insecurity and the cruelty I managed to show as a result. My fingers began trembling under the pressure, the cold morning air worsening it. My eyes darted around the floor, but Erza's watchful gaze trapped me in my thoughts. The air around me had thinned so much, I felt like I was suffocating. It was so painfully obvious.

"Gray.", her voice was tamer now. "Sorry."

Why are you apologising?

I lifted my head, willed by her sincerity but when our eyes met, everything seemed so cloudy. I rubbed them, thinking I was tired but I still couldn't see. I didn't realise it until I felt the wetness on my finger, but they were my tears.

Alone, one escaped the clutch of my iris, rolling down my cheeks so devoid of any strength. It stung, even though it shouldn't have.

I never thought I would cry, especially when it was my fault. But this time, I couldn't hold it back. At least to myself, I should be truthful.

"Sorry."

I've always wanted to say that to her, but I never had the courage. I thought that maybe I would be able to one day. I truly believed that.

Yet when Erza said it to me, I felt the crushing weight of my insecurity and the impossibility of my hopes. The apology was so sincere and at the same time, insincere. Even though she was apologising out of empathy and kindness, I felt like she was hiding the bitter truth from me.

Although I knew it on the inside.

She was apologising because she understands that it's over, that my insecurity is too overwhelming.

Because if I apologised,

I would just end up hurting her again.

- G