Hollow || Gruvia

fourteen;

❝Even if we happen to,
cross paths,
our fate has not yet aligned,
and neither has my heart.❞

"Where are you taking me?", I asked, trying to move on from my quaking thoughts.

We were strolling through the busy streets, lit up by glimmering lights in preparation for the holiday season - Christmas. It felt sort of magical, although I didn't feel like being here, or anywhere rather. I just wanted to disappear like a snowflake melting on contact with the pavement. 

"I told you, it's a secret!", she replied, still sniggering about it.

This secret is tiring. Why can't she see that I'm obviously not well?

No.

She was excited about this the whole time. I can't blame her for it. First, I need to get a hold of myself. My problems are my own, not hers.

But I just - just feel so empty inside, every thought, every desire always ends with a wall. And I can't even learn from it, improve from it. I'm just stuck here for eternity floating around aimlessly trying to attach to something so that I can feel less self aware.

It's what happened with him. Did I even love him, truly?

Or was I just scared of myself?

"Keeping this secret won't change much, you know. We're probably almost there.", I replied, trying to reason with her.

"Then it's fine to wait! It's only a little bit longer anyway."

I really hate the way I am. I hate being an attention seeking brat, but I can't help it. My heart is empty.

My soul is hollow.

I had begun to sink into the abyss yet again, but as if it was fate, the festive lights flickered like they were trying to lead me somewhere. My eyes followed, like a child searching for gifts and just as I had stopped Lucy called out.

"Here we are!"

My mind went blank for a moment, maybe it was all too overwhelming. I couldn't believe what I was reading.

"Careers Support Group.", in huge bold red and green letters. It was unmissable.

And yet, I had almost missed it.

"Lucy?", I questioned, partly hoping, knowing it was a present for just me. After all, she had already told me what she wanted to be in the future. 

Professor of History.

I turned my head to face her directly for the first time this whole trip, and I just saw her smile light up brighter than any of the festivities surrounding me. Her gaze was so soft and golden, just like her tresses, just like an angel. And as I watched her glee, it reminded me of the time that I told myself,

there's hope.

- J

"Hey, why is it taking so long to get to the pizzeria?"

"Natsu, we've walked for 3 min-", I replied. 

No, no. I need to be nicer.

"I mean, we'll get there soon."

This is tougher than I thought. He's just so idiotic that I can't help but insult his every move.

"I know what you meant. Whatever.", he scoffed.

Come to think of it, I haven't thought about her in a while. I wonder what she's doing now. Perhaps she's celebrating her results with friends?

She always did well in school. Even if she didn't have a dream, at least she had most options open to her. She wouldn't even have to open a textbook to get the top grades.

Actually, maybe it's harder that way. Having to choose between everything. When life gives you options, it's hard to fixate because you're viable for many careers. 

I'd hate that if I was her. And then I had to say those words on top of that. 

I was truly despicable.

And yet, I wonder if she thinks about me from time to time.
I wonder if she's forgotten about me?

No.
She should forget me.

I was in such a deep trance, that I had failed notice,

"Erza, look it's Lucy!", Natsu voiced in excitement. 

that I was looking directly at

Could it be?

"Let's go say hi!"

I saw ocean-blue hair drifting softly against the wind. It was such a deep shade of blue that it had to be hers. 

Juvia?

"Natsu, it's fine. Let's keep going.", she replied.

Why is she with Lucy? 

As her head tilted slightly, I caught a glimpse of a smile that could eclipse any she had shown to me.

I'm glad. 
She's doing well.

"Gray?", Erza called out.

But deep inside,
I'm not.

- G