Hollow || Gruvia

thirteen;

❝Ignorance can truly be,
a blessing in disguise.
I'm having to learn,
the hard way.❞

"Hey Juvia!", Lucy's familiar voice surrounded my thoughts. The same old thoughts. Why I'm still so afraid of confronting the depths of my feelings and why I'm struggling so much to move on from him. "Today is the day.", she continued.

Oh, the celebration. To be honest, I'm not too keen about it but Lucy was excited about it and I'd like to avoid hurting her anymore than I already have. I left her the last time too, purely because I couldn't control my rampant emotions. I can still feel it. My heart beats for him the same, I just hide it. Because I'm ashamed. Ashamed of what I have become. Maybe it was better to be blissfully unaware of how much of an empty shell I truly am. Maybe.

No.

I need to stop this. I had the strength to confront this. I listened to her words, I felt the pure warmth, I felt her hand grab me from those shallow waters, so why am I like this? I should have the strength.

I want to move on so badly.

So why?

Why am I stuck in an endless loop?

I could feel tears welling up inside me. The fake strength I had mustered up until now was slowly dissipating right in front of me. It's the second time now. I was about to lose control yet again.

I can't.
I have to pull myself together.

"Oh, the celebration! I can't wait.", I sort of fake smiled. But as usual, I'm sure it was painfully obvious."Where are you taking us?", I asked, trying to divert attention from me.

"It's a secret.", she smiled back at me playfully. "I'll spoil one thing though. Actually, no. I'll keep a secret." She began humming to herself, a slight giggle leaving the tip of her tongue.

Huh?

Perhaps it's because I was so used to her comforting words, but I felt strange that she didn't see through me as usual. My eyes were close to watering and my expression was leaning towards depressed, if anything at all. Normally she'd pick up on it instantly. I couldn't help but feel betrayed.

How pathetic.

"Oh.", I replied, a bit startled. It was the only word I could utter.

But why am I so dumbfounded by this? I can't possibly be expecting her attention every time I'm feeling down. I let myself become so wrapped around his tongue, waiting patiently for any song of praise or even acknowledgement. And I'm doing the same again, with a precious friend. I'm expecting so much from her to help cure my insecurity only to be unknowingly feeding into it yet again.

Am I even struggling or am I attention seeking?

Why?

Why am I like this?

Can't I just function on my own?

- J

****

"Hey, let's brawl!"

I can't believe I'm doing this.

"Go away.", he grunted, launching spittle at me. Well, not exactly but he may as well have. His fierce glare was enough to make the inference. It felt like he could tear a hole through me. Taking a second to compose myself and drown out the idea of simply walking away, I began.

"I'm sorry and I'm being honest this time. I shouldn't have pushed you guys away."

I was expecting a punch to the face, but he started laughing instead. The loud bellow of his voice encompassed the whole room, the echoes reverberating throughout.

Huh?

This guy is bipolar.

"I'm sorry. Forgive me please.", he teased, trying to mimic me by getting the sentence as well as my voice wrong.

His laughing became even stronger, bordering annoying. Well, it already was. But this is a level of annoyance that requires the actual word.

"Hey, shut it!", I interrupted his fit unconsciously.

Shit.

"Wow. Thought you were apologising to me.", he retorted as he cocked his head to the side. I couldn't tell if he was messing with me or being serious.

"Natsu, I'm sorry.", I replied albeit unable to hide the growing anger in my tone. He sat there for what felt like an eternity, scowling. Just as I had started to believe he wasn't messing around anymore, his expression changed like one of those masks from the theatre.

"It's fine. I get it.", he responded, still struggling to control his laughter. "Thanks.", he finished. I had a very strong urge to just hit him, but I held back - again.

As embarrassing and annoying as it was, I felt the thread of my heart weaving once again, patching up the glaring emptiness inside me little by little. I felt a sense of relief that I hadn't been able to achieve since Juvia left. I should've known, they've been here for me through thick and thin. I wouldn't be half the person I am today without them. They say blood is thicker than water, but in this case - water is just as thick.

"Gray, let's go. We're getting pizza.", Erza entered, making her presence known very quickly.

"Yeah!"

I feel free.

- G