Hollow || Gruvia

six;

I haven't been able to stop thinking about what she said the other day. The idea of a dream, it's strangely so foreign to me.

Perhaps he was my dream?

I picked History on a whim, just to get away from my thoughts. I never actually thought about enjoying it, not once.

Life just seems to be one step ahead of me. The more conviction I gain, the more I realise that I'm still stuck to him. This is just the first baby step to finding myself, and I'm struggling.

I never thought that I was this lost, this lacking. Rather than close, these holes seem to be opening more and more.

"Juvia, you said you wanted to study in the library but you're not doing anything.", Lucy interrupted my thought trail, as usual.

"Sorry.", I replied.

She's right. I haven't been doing anything recently, just contemplating - about him. I want to be more like her. I want to possess eyes with the same sparkle, the same passion.

"Do you actually like History?", she asked, clicking her pen subconsciously. Her eyebrows furrowed slightly, probably hoping I would refute her question.

No.

That was my instinctive answer, the answer that raced through my mind before anything else. And my reason, I didn't have one.

All of the sudden, I felt so isolated. My lips pursed on their own, refusing to answer. I just stared at her blankly for a moment, feeling so detached.

I don't have a reason. Why?

"Yes, I do." I answered her question recklessly, trying to break free of my thoughts. My face still oozed of worry, it was so obvious.

I averted my gaze from her, startling her a bit. Her eyebrows furrowed even more and her lips arched into a frown. I'm sure she could tell. I was lying, as usual.

Is it him? Is that why?

"Juvia-"

"Sorry, no.", I responded, cutting her off.

I want to change. No, I need to change. I can't continue to be driven by the thought of him. I gathered all courage I had left, exhaling once more.

"Sorry.", I repeated myself, but that's as far as I could go. I dropped my gaze to floor, defeated.

"It's okay. You just transferred, so you can't be sure, right?", she replied, pretending that I hadn't just lied to her.

I knew she was hurt. It's the like the first time we met, but this time, I honestly couldn't answer her. This time, I didn't mean to hurt you.

This time, I genuinely tried.

She released a soft sigh, and smiled.

"Anyway, I was wondering if you would come and have lunch with some of my friends at this restaurant?", she smiled more, trying to hide the awkwardness.

"Sure."

I hate this.

- J

•••

Little by little, things are changing. Those tears freed me of my thoughts, the constant pounding in my head having quelled.

How unmanly.

I still miss her, but it's become bearable. Still, smiling is something that's forced, and I can barely hold a conversation without boring myself.

I still want her around me. At any given chance, I wonder what I could've done, what could've been. Even though I know it would all be fruitless, because of this seething pain that envelopes me, holding me back.

Ur.

"Gray, are you feeling better?", Erza asked, with a confused Natsu beside her.

I can't say I feel better, because I don't. I'm just starting to get used to her not being around me, that's all.

"Yeah. I'm just a bit tired.", I lied, trying to change the subject.

I don't want to show anyone a sight like that ever again. I looked so hideous, so vulnerable. If she saw me like that, what would she think?

To be able to utter such cruelty, and then whine about it? I have no such right. I have to seal these feelings now, or I risk hurting her even more.

Because the more I love, the more I end up stealing.

I slouched myself on the table a bit, looking up to see Natsu with his arms crossed, attempting to seem intimidating. He probably dissatisfied for being excluded from this conversation.

"What's going on?", Natsu intervened, lowering his voice. Erza glanced him for a moment plainly, leaving him just a cryptic sigh before returning to me.

"Then, if you're free, let's go out to eat.", she smiled. "Lucy invited us."

I need to move on.

"Sure, but who is she?"

"Hey, tell me what's going on!", Natsu's voice exploded in the background.

For her sake.

- G