Hollow || Gruvia

eight;

I haven't gone in for lectures for almost a week. I'm going to get kicked out.

It's useless anyway.

To study endlessly for a dream you couldn't be further away from? That's absurd.

I stared at ceiling, trapped under thick white sheets, the laziness in my eye refusing to change. The clock ticked over the deafening silence, the resounding noise becoming louder and louder in my ears. It was a painful reminder of the wasted time and my dwindling confidence. Each second felt like my existence was being stripped away, little by little. The traces of dignity, the drive to find myself vanquishing from a roar into a paltry whisper.

Then nothingness.

But I can't do anything. I have nowhere to begin. All I can do is keep staring at this ceiling, hopelessly. All I can do is wish I could go back in time, live in ignorance and love him again. At least then I wasn't this pitiful. At least then I had happiness, even if it wasn't real.

I'd rather live a lie than this.

"Hey, Juvia!", a voice called from outside my door, knocking furiously. "Please open up."

I had almost mistook it for him, his deep voice still vivid in my mind. I still clutch onto his presence, even if it isn't here. I still imagine him charging back to sweep me in his arms so I can forget about my shortcomings, my impossible hurdles.

How pitiful.

"It's Lucy.", her voice snapped me out of my spiralling thoughts.

I fumbled out of my bed, surprised to have a visitor. The thought had never crossed my mind, especially not with her. I've treated her so poorly, she should be ignoring me. She should be the furthest away from me.

She should hate me.

Even I hate myself.

"I'm really worried about you.", she continued.

As I picked up my hairbrush and looked into the mirror, she said those words. They were so ordinary, yet so profound. They were so different from what I thought.

Why?

I stared at my reflection, the shallowness of my gaze ironically drowning me with shame. I couldn't bare to look anymore. To see how far I've slipped, it's terrifying.

All this time, I've tossed her aside, lying to her as much I can. I know I didn't mean it, but I still did it. Still, she's standing outside my door with more hope than I have in myself.

Though it's pointless.

A hollow person like me has no hope for change. No, a hollow person like me will never change.

Yet, to hear those words, I felt like a hand came to drag me out of those waters.

A warm hand in those freezing, lonely waters.

All this time, I felt alone, desperately searching for answers. I told myself no one would want to listen to my ridiculous story, that they would just brush me aside. But all along, she was standing beside me ready to listen.

And yet, I'm scared.

I'm so scared to face her.

I was trembling, afraid of everything. So afraid that I forgot how it began. The idea of facing these demons seeming so crushingly impossible, so futile. My breathing quickened, the keys rattling in my unsteady grip.