Hollow || Gruvia

sixteen;

Surrounded by so many people searching for a career to go into warmed my heart a little. As cruel as it sounds, I felt at ease knowing I wasn't the only one. 

there's hope.

Those were the words only words ringing in my head, and I don't care if it's pounding. I finally feel like I have found hope.

"Lucy, thank you.", I managed to speak through my sharp breaths of feigned composure. The tears were welling up within me, but this was neither the time or the right message to send. I have so much I want to say, but my mind is scrambled. 

"You're welcome. It's not a traditional gift...", she paused as she laughed at her own joke. "I really want you to find something you are truly passionate about! Your talent will go to waste otherwise.", she continued.

Talent?

"Lucy...", I muttered as I stared straight at her, unable to say anything else. She glanced back at me, smiled and continued. "I think I know why you're struggling to find a dream. You're so good at many things!"

My eyes widened, stunned by her words. Gray would sometimes say that I'm too smart for my own good. I never thought of it like that.  Although I'm no exceptional student, I achieve decent marks for someone with a lack of passion, interest, and drive. Those words felt bittersweet, as I lowered my head and the words that led me this far came back in a flash.

I was always being reminded that I didn't have a dream.

"Come on, let's have a look!", she mused as she grabbed my hand and whisked me away before I could think any deeper. To me, she was more than a friend. She's done so much for me in such a short time. Her personality, just like her golden locks shine bright but it's not blinding - it feels warm.

I desperately wanted to hold onto that light. Is it time? Is this where I finally find who I truly am? And, just at that moment as light can sometimes do - images of his cobalt gaze flashed past me. I wasn't sure why I had thought of him at this point in time, but it made my heart sink. Perhaps I felt like I was betraying him.

But why?

No.

I felt like I was betraying myself. After spending so long with him, I felt like I was leaving him behind by moving forward. And although he will never love that Juvia, my love for him was deeper than any emotion I had ever felt. I was hollow, but I felt warmth regardless. 

"Juvia?", she asked with concern.

I had started breaking down unintentionally. Tears fell one by one, as my torn heart came to a standstill. Why am I so upset?

I am finally moving forward. Stop crying.

But I couldn't. Because I still loved him.
So, so deeply. 

And at that moment, I remembered something that I had hidden into the deepest wrenches of my soul. 

I hate you.

"Juvia, what's wrong?", she asked again.

With a deep breath to compose myself, I lightly tapped Lucy's shoulder and smiled as brightly as I could. 

"Let's go!"

She looked back at me quizzically, her mouth moving ever so slightly to utter her worry but she ultimately held back. 

"Okay!"

- J

"Gray, are you okay?". Erza's voice sounded faint, as it was an echo. 

She looks happy. 

I should be happy.

Why am I not happy?

"Gray!", her voice was now bellowing, causing my drifting eyes to snap back and look directly at the pair. 

"Let's keep going.", she spoke calmly, grabbing my palms and dragging me away from those soft, blue tresses. 

A couple of seconds or perhaps even minutes - I can't be too sure since I was too spaced out but Natsu's voice entered my headspace. 

"Are you sad that you failed? I failed too, don't worry. We'll be fine.", he spoke, finally addressing my emotional state. I'm not sure whether he does this purposely or not. 

At least he tried.

I started laughing, almost in an erratic fashion but I couldn't control it. Natsu, unaware, joined in thinking his previous statement was actually funny. 

I hate myself. 

You drove her away. 

"Gray?", Erza voiced in concern. "I know it's hard, but we're always here for you." 

It's not that those words meant nothing, but my heart felt like it had been crumpled and chewed out. 

Ironic, right? 

"Thanks, Erza. I'm just feeling a bit light-headed. I think I'm gonna go home." 

"Oh, okay...", she replied. With dread filling his cobalt eyes, he contrastingly smiled at them both and head off. 

I really hate myself. 

- G