Paroxysm

Constantly

They say I seem so black and white, never bothering to notice the grays in between.
As though the sun has left me dried out and drained on the shores.
But it was never really about me, it was all about you.
As strong as a religion
It was the world hovering
Taking bites, sharpening their teeth.
And my worst habits dying slowly, but then always coming back to me.
Full of rage and rising up
And all I ever wanted was to survive
Suffocating my growing pains and pushing them down the drain
Scrubbing the sins that have etched karma into my skin
Keeping myself locked away from love, for fear that I'll be burned alive.
Even if it becomes the worst chapter in my life I'll take it down with me.
I'll color it bright yellow or maybe a deep blue
A crimson red striking true
I'd swallow it whole and keep the fire burning me from the inside of my belly.
I'd die even, because that would be the easiest thing to do.
They say I seem so bright, as if someone has loved me in all the right ways. Tucking me away in softness to drift over me as I sleep. Carving me into a mountain where I could taste heaven as we made love
But that was never the case at all.
It was never about that, it was never about me.
It was a memory stretched thin, bursting like the blood vessels in my head.
The stains still remain, burning deep and far down in my brain.
Constantly following me
And now constantly following you.