Chapter 11- Home sweet home?
3 Days Later...
"so have you talked to him?" Lexi asked sitting down next to me on my new 'bed'. I've barely left her sofa in the last 3 days. I don't know if I should be sad or pissed; I've been keeping the thoughts at bay. "No." I stated simply. He's been texting and calling me every hour on the hour; texting me almost half hour saying the same things;
I'm sorry
its what you think and I'm sorry
will you please talk to me?
baby please...
and much more. I don't know if its good or bad that he's trying this hard. at times it feels like I cant breathe because it still hits me with a blow. I left my life to be with him and he cheated on me. I officially have the same relationships as my father...
"Amber!" 7 year old me yelling running to my father's youngest girlfriend; she had long almost white blonde hair with big green eyes and a body to die for. "Jessie!" she said opening her arms so I could jump into her arms. she was one of the best mother figures I've had and I miss her even today. "how's my baby girl doing today?" she said walking with me on her hip. we walked into the kitchen and she set me on the counter top. "what does baby want for lunch?" she said smiling. she had the type of smile that made you feel at ease. "hmmm pancakes!" I said jumping up and down, holding onto the counter so I wouldn't slip off. "pancakes in the afternoon? you're my type of girl!" she said making a funny face. I knew it would anger father; I was suppose to eat a light lunch so my dinner would fill me up and put me to sleep. he started to control my eating habits since I gained the baby fat back. she was my father's boss's child. normally that would make a boss fire his worker for sleeping with his child but since it was MY father who it was the boss WANTED it to occur. weird right?
"do you want extra syrup? she asked wiggling her eyebrows up and down. Childhood me almost jumped out of my skin with joy and nodded my head so fast. she gave me a big smile and gave me a huge stack of hotcakes, as she liked to call them, and extra syrup. I ate so much I still can taste those pancakes. "Want to watch a movie?" she asked as we cleaned up our mess; she had dishes and I had counter tops and the table. "the little mermaid!" I said with big doe eyes. "you got it." she said winking and turning off the sink. I still cant watch that movie without thinking of amber...
"what the hell is this?" father said looking at the kitchen half un-cleaned; we left the pancake mix out. "babe I know I know..." she tried to say but he wouldn't let her. "Jessica go to your room. NOW." he said dropping his suit case. I was silent and went up as I was told in my house if you're quiet enough you can hear everything. "what the hell do you think you were doing?" he started. "we were just having fun! it's not a big deal." she said trying to calm him down. "not a big deal!? it's MY kid NOT yours" he said his voice raising. "it? You have a DAUGHTER if you hadn't noticed!" she yelling back. she was always defending me to him. I think I miss that the most. "I know that!" I could tell his temple was raised and glowing red from how bad his voice had raised that quickly. "I'm sorry I was just trying to give her ONE day just about her and not about YOUR work!" she yelled back; I knew this fight wasn't gonna end well. I could hear her crying then silence, then foot steps on the stairs. "Jessie?" I heard her say into the darkness. I rolled over and turned on the desk lamp. "me and your father...we're not seeing each other anymore." she said; I could tell she was keeping back her tears for me. I nodded my little head and sucked in a quick breath. "I love you baby girl." she said kissing me on my forehead. "I wish stuff could be better. I'm sorry.." she said getting up. she looked back, smiled her bright smile and that was the last time I saw her. I don't know who it hurt worse me or her...
later I found out my father had been sleeping around on her and that night he was angry because one of the girls threatened to tell amber what was occurring between them so father had to end it that night. cheating occurs everyday right?..
"how are you?" Lexi asked me sending me out of my memory. "I'm .. here right?" I said rubbing a new scratch on my thigh only I knew about. she nodded; I knew she was at a lost of words. "I'm sorry." she said lightly touching my arm. I flinched at the sudden physical contact. I'm still not used to people touching me. I nodded at her apology; I'm still not used to people saying sorry. even if it wasn't their fault. "what should I do?" I asked putting my elbows on my knees and letting my hair fall to my face. "do you love him?" she asked; searching my face for something, some type of sign of what I was thinking. I gave her nothing; living with my father I learned how to keep my face straight under pressure. "yes." I said keeping my voice deadly calm. "does he make you happy?" she asked still trying to pry something from me. "I wouldn't love him if he didn't..." I said; I could feel my temple now pulsing with annoyance. "then I think you have your answer." she said giving me a small smile. "Thanks Dr. Phil. I think I have to go home...if I'm back you know what happened. I felt my phone vibrate again. Him. I sucked in a breath and stood. I grabbed the few things I brought and went to see how well he was holding up compared to me...
I slowly brought my key up to the door as Andy opened the door as he was putting on his leather jacket. "Jess.." he said as his knees gave out under him; he fell to his knees and rapped his arms around my waist. I knew he was silently crying. "Fuck." I said as a tear rolled down my face.
Am I dead yet..
