A to Z

Chapter 25- 'Love is a funny old thing.'

Chapter 25 - 'Love is a funny old thing.'

"Zoe?" Alex repeated himself. The lilt in his voice made my stomach churn. My name from his lips wasn't just a name anymore. It had become a part of Alex's vocabulary to mean 'what's wrong?'

Everything?

I turned away and made a fuss about removing the popcorn from the microwave, biting my cheek painfully in punishment along the way. I was half hoping the microwave would blow up but I had no such luck.

"You couldn't take the snacks through, could you? My hands are full." I gestured vaguely behind me where I knew I'd left the assorted junk without turning away from the counter. My voice was hollow in the awkward air Leo had created and left. I carried on being overly noisy to fill the silence and to make sure I didn't have to fill it with my own words. It didn't help that my throat had become thick all of a sudden.

I didn't hear him coming behind me but then I felt Alex's hand on my lower back.

"There's some cake for Lilith too." I added brightly but still, I refused to look at him. I anticipated with clenched teeth and a tight throat what he would say.

He didn't say anything. Instead, he moved his hand to move me so I faced him. It was intimate, how close we were standing with each other. Our thighs touched. His hands moved confidently to my face and I was surprised at his boldness in attempting intimacy when I'd so recently pushed him away. With one hand still resting on my back and the other firmly tilting my head upwards by the chin, he searched my eyes intently, his own soft brown ones taking on a look of parental concern. A look my father would give me when he was teaching me some important lesson or other.

I blinked a few times but my eyes had been watering for a while now and they had suddenly started watering more insistently. They were wider too, desperately trying to contain the blue within the green. Alex smiled softly, and then pulled me into a comforting embrace.

He smelt like he always did too so I cried.

"Shh, it's okay. It's okay." He murmured softly and I wondered if he knew he was lying because it definitely wasn't okay.

I wanted to tell him I missed him, that I wanted to be close to him again, and that more than anything, I wanted to love him. But how could I miss him when he was right there? How was I not close to him when I was wrapped up in his arms? And how could I wish to love him, when I already did?

I sobbed quietly in his arms and my heart juddered with every breath. I was breaking and I knew I'd have to break Alex too.

"Can I go home?" I asked plaintively.

He continued to comfort me for a few more minutes and I let him. Too soon, my arms dropped away from him, and the moment fell away too. It felt as if Leo had just left the room again. Alex reached to his right and handed me some kitchen tissue, in which I blew my nose loudly. He watched wordlessly, perhaps with a slight sad smile and all too quickly I returned to my previous tactic of not meeting his eyes and facing the microwave instead. I could feel his gaze on me though and I instinctively shifted my hair to cover more of my neck.

The moment was over.

I nodded to myself while I fiddled with the now damp tissue.

"I'm going home." I spoke quietly.

I moved to head towards the kitchen door and just as I reached for the handle, I hesitated and turned back. Alex hadn't moved. He remained exactly how I'd left him. I contemplated returning to him, kissing him, appeasing him and for a second, I thought I would. But my feet were heavy and my arms remained still and I decided no.