Bittersweet

They call me unforgettable

I let the tips of my fingers slowly stroke over the bruised skin on my neck as I stood in front of Berts bathroom mirror. He had left quite a lot of hickeys on both sides and I still didn't know if I liked it or not.

It felt good, that's true but I'm not quite a fan of hickeys. In my opinion they're a sign if ownership and I wasn't sure if I felt like that about Bert. I was really glad that Frank didn't leave hickeys during our last... encounter...

But now it was too late anyways.
I could still hide the blue - lilac dots on my neck with makeup if I wanted.

I flushed the toilet without having used it.
I didn't want Bert to get suspicious and think that I was ashamed of the marks he left on my skin.

With quick steps I entered the bedroom again and let myself fall back onto the mattress right next to Bert, who was smiling at me like a child on Christmas.
I loved this look. It made me feel special.

And that's why I smiled back at him even though I wasn't really in the mood to smile. Not at all.
After we had sex last night I felt horrible. Not the same horrible as I did with Frank though.
More like a... guilty kind of horrible.
Practically I had cheated on Bert with Frank even though you couldn't quite call it cheating if we weren't in a relationship, right?

The little voice in the back of my head was screaming one word over and over again:
Whore

Yeah I guess I was a whore for doing what I did
But as long as Bert didn't know about it everything was okay
And Frank...
I know for sure that he doesn't care if I slept with somebody else.

I shook away my thoughts as Bert turned around in bed to have a better look at me

"You look so beautiful with your messy bed hair", he whispered into the dark room

"You're blind", I whispered back smiling like an idiot.
You could say that I had a bit of a praise kink

"Don't say that. Let me tell you that you're pretty. Don't you believe me?", he asked and I felt like yesterday night again. Guilty

"No of course I believe you", I said quick, "I just... don't see it sometimes"

"Well now you have me to tell you how beautiful you are"
Bert stretched out his arms before letting his hand rest on my bare torso.

I kind of wanted to push his hand away, not liking when people touched my stomache or anything close to that but I stopped myself and let him do what he wanted to do.
Just like yesterday

*yesterday night*

Things were getting heated and before I could even think about it I found myself pressed against the mattress of Berts bed.

Just like Frank the other day Bert began to push up my shirt but I stopped him
"I-I want to keep that on", I said pulling my shirt down again

"Are you serious"
Wow in that moment he really sounded like Frank.

"Yes I am", I said again this time with more confidence in my voice
"Why?", he asked and I swear I saw a bit of hurt in his eyes

Great. Now I hurt his feelings. Good Job Way

"I-I just... I don't feel comfortable without it", I answered trying to look anywhere but his eyes

"Does that mean you don't trust me?"
He got off of me and I instantly regretted even saying yes to coming here.

"I do trust you, Bert", I sighed getting annoyed, "I just don't... f-feel good enough... about myself okay"

"But if you want this to work you have to trust me. And you clearly don't-... wait... do you even want this?", it seemed like there had been a switch in Berts brain that just clicked, "Oh my god you don't want to have sex with me that's it"

"No no no Bert. It's not that. I WANT to you just don't understa-...", I started but got interrupted by him
"I don't understand?! Are you saying that I'm stupid?!"

I frowned. What was he talking about I've never said anything close to that

"No what do you mean I-..."

"Okay I get it you don't want this. Sure. I think you should go now", he murmured hiding his face in his hands.

I was confused. More than confused.
Why was he so... weird all of a sudden?

But even though I couldn't understand why he acted like that, I still felt guilty.
I made him feel stupid, unwanted.
I made him feel all the things I felt
And I know that it's not a great feeling at all.

"Please, Bert", I sighed but he just shook his head, face still hidden in his hands.

Great Gerard you ruined everything. He will never call you again, never want anything from you again.

But maybe if I...

Another sigh escaped my lips as I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it on the ground.

"Please, look. I trust you", I whined tugging on Berts arm until he looked up at me

His hurt expression was gone as fast as it had appeared and a smile came to his face
"I know you do, beautiful", he whispered, crawling on my lap again like nothing happened.

And I just let him do it.
Even though I felt way too exposed, way too insecure and confused to enjoy this.
But I let it happen
Why? I don't even know

But I guess Berts content smile was worth the struggle