I didn't ask to be here. I didn't ask to be raped at such a young age. I didn't ask to have to go through depression at such a young age. I didn't ask to not have any male figure in my life. I didn't even ask to be placed on this earth. I didn't ask...
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"The good news is, you'll be outta here in no time and the person who committed this crime will be found. The bad news is, you can't have children. Since you were stabbed continuously in your abdomen, you lost the child that you were carrying. This is the second child you have lost. If you do conceive again, we're not sure you would last the entire pregnancy."
My vision blurred, I panicked, I lost it. Not again. This was my life, this is why I was this cold-hearted, savage girl. I had lost a baby, twice, and I was only 17 years old. I honestly didn't understand what I was doing wrong. Was it me? Was it my actions? They say God gives his strongest soldiers, the hardest battles, but I'm not feeling so strong.
After everything I've been through, I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't have a purpose on this earth, except to be hurt and exposed to pain.
I felt hopeless and lost, I wanted to crawl in bed and die. I felt as if I was suffocating, my brain was whirling.
"Calm down, baby." My mother said, as she sat on the side of my bed, being my support system. But, right now, there was absolutely nothing that she could do to help me undo this internal and emotional pain. I wanted to cry, but nothing came out. I wanted to kick and scream, but my body stayed motionless. I wanted to kill Sasha, but that would only weigh on my conscious more.
At 13 years old, I was taken advantage of by a man whom I thought loved me. He took my virginity from me while I was sleep. I should be over it, but I'm not, it still haunts me every single day.
At 13 years old, I conceived a baby, involuntarily, by a man whom my dad had trusted and grown up with. My body was so weak, that I couldn't carry the baby its entire term. Even though I didn't want the baby, it still laid heavily on my conscious. She or he could have been 3 or 4 years old. Despite the conditions, I would have given that baby the world, or as much I could.
Rape is similar to murder, but rape victims, like myself, have to live and relive the event everyday. And worst of all, we can never leave the crime scene, our bodies. Who knew, that you could spend a lifetime trying to forget a few minutes of your childhood.
I need to talk, but I don't know what to say. I need to cry, but I don't know how to let the tears flow. I need to live, but I don't know if I have the courage to face another day.
"Now, we're going to require you to a therapy group for depression. It seems that you have not recovered from your childhood problems and never received any therapy for them. This will help you a lot, I promise. If this doesn't work, or if you want to try other options. We will assign you to a few therapy sessions individually." I just stared blankly at the wall, no emotions.
