Sad Angel

Unclean

Both Jess and Stevie were released from the hospital around 3 am in the morning and now  both were resting at home.

Jess sat in his recliner downstairs in the living room not having the energy to climb the stairs while Stevie retreated to her bedroom.
She laid awake stroking her belly, the baby now settling down for the night.

Her mind was racing with the thoughts that have been plaguing her mind for the past few months and also the new thoughts that had popped up.
Before she knew it, tears flowed down her cheeks as she quietly sobbed.

A few moments later, there was a knock on the door.
She was too lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear it.
The door opened. "Stevie?"
Lindsey's voice brought her out of her thoughts.
Stevie sat up and smiled a little.
Lindsey smiled back; he closed the door behind him and walked to her bed then sat down.
"Angel, why are you crying?" Lindsey reached up and wiped her tears but it was no use they just kept falling.
Stevie got closer to him then hugged him tightly and sobbed on his shoulder.
He moved to a more comfortable position for both of them and continued to hold her close.

After a few minutes, Stevie finally quieted down.
Lindsey pulled her away for a moment and looked into her eyes. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked gently.
Stevie nodded; she sat back and fixed her pillows to sit back against the headboard of her bed more comfortably. "Would you...lay with me? Please."
Lindsey stood up and took off his shoes then laid on the other side of Stevie's bed sitting close by her.

She took a deep breath. "I...I feel like everything is my fault. I let Don in that night, I saw how drunk he was but...I let him in anyway. He had come over on other occasions, but he was never drunk. We would talk then he would head back home.  I told him I was making dinner because I was expecting company over. I told him to go sleep in one of the guest bedrooms and I thought that, he would sleep it off then we could talk about whatever was bothering him in the morning. He told me he didn't want to be alone and that once my guests would arrive he would go to bed. He then told about his problems with Sharon and then I proceeded to set the table. My back was turned...when I felt his arms wrap around me." Stevie stopped to collect herself. "I tried to fight him. I tried Lindsey! He was too strong. He turned me around, he kissed me, I started to hit him over and over again, next thing I knew he...bent me over the table, he held both my hands behind my back."
Lindsey listened, his stomach churning with anger as Stevie described what Don had done. So many emotions coursed through his body.
Stevie continued on without noticing Lindsey's reaction. "It hurt...it hurt so much! I hadn't...had sex in years and..." She shook her head. "He was one of my closest friends but now...I have this...hatred for him. Everytime I think back to that night, I can still feel his hands on me...I can...still feel him inside of me. I feel so...dirty; every time I bathe or shower, I scrub my body raw but it's no use."

By this point Lindsey was silently sobbing; tears rolling down his cheeks.
Stevie looked over at him; she moved closer to him and wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his chest. "I'm sorry Linds. I didn't mean to be too graphic. It's just...I've been holding it in for far too long and writing in my journal isn't working."
"No, don't ever be sorry. I'm glad you told me how you're feeling. It's not good to keep things bottled up. And I repeat once again... It's not your fault.  Don took advantage of your friendship and the trust you had. It's his own fault not yours." He said hugging her.
Stevie nodded; she then bit her bottom lip and decided to tell Lindsey what else had been bothering her.
"Lindsey...I still continue to have nightmares. Some nights I dream about that night and others I dream about...my baby. I started to dream that my baby disappears from my arms and others Don takes my baby away from me. And sometimes he's hurting me while I'm pregnant but he doesn't care that he's hurting me." Stevie sobbed. "And...I've been dreaming that, something is wrong with her. Lindsey?" Stevie looked into his eyes. "oh Linds, I feel like I'm a bad person, like I'm a horrible mother."
Lindsey's brow furrowed. "What do you mean Steph?"
Tears rolled fast down Stevie's cheeks. "I love my baby, I really do...but sometimes I can't help think that...I made a mistake. I know I had decided to be a single mother before but that's when I was going to have a surrogate carry my baby for me. It's so different now that I'm the one that's pregnant, I feel scared and so alone! And...oh god I can't believe I'm going to say this out loud. But what if...everytime I look into her little face, I'll only be reminded of him, of what he did to me!"
Lindsey rubbed her back gently trying to soothe her. "You're never alone Stevie. You have your mom and dad, your brother, you have Christine, Mick and John even Karen...and you have me. We are not going to let you go through this alone. And as far as the baby looking like him well, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I mean, when you have your baby in your arms, you will look at her and see this beautiful little person you brought into this world; everything else will melt away. Before Will was born, I had so many fears. I was so scared Steph, but when he was born, I looked at him and everything fell into place."
Stevie stayed quiet for a moment taking his words in. "I'm so glad you're here Linds. I needed you here, but I know you have your own family and I didn't want to...bother you." Stevie said her tears slowing down.
"You should have called me and I would have been here sooner. You are never a bother." Lindsey said. "So...you're having a girl?" He went on with a smile.
Stevie nodded against his chest with a smile on her face. "Oh Linds! I felt her kick! I never thought I would be able to experience this." Stevie sighed placing her free hand on her belly. "Then the thoughts come back and..."
"Shhh..." Lindsey said. "Like I said, once you see her, every bad thought, all your fears will melt away. Stevie...can I..." He gestured towards her belly.
Stevie smiled then took his hand and placed it on her belly.
"Hello little one; I'm your uncle Lindsey. I can't wait to meet you. When you are old enough, I'm going to buy you your first guitar then I'm going to teach you how to play it." Lindsey said as he began to rub Stevie's belly. As he continued to speak, Stevie's face lit up seeing him being so caring; just then Lindsey felt a kick against his hand. "Does that mean you are excited for your first lesson?" he chuckled. He then looked at Stevie. "You look so beautiful Stevie. Well, you always look beautiful, but seeing you with your pregnant belly just...there's no words..." His voice faltered.
Stevie had tears in her eyes from his interaction with her daughter and from his words he was telling her.

A few moments past in silence; Stevie covered her mouth with one hand as she yawned.
"Why don't get some sleep? I'll stay with you until you fall asleep. Your mom already set me up in the guest bedroom so when I'm ready I'll go and get some sleep myself." Lindsey said.
"Okay, again, thank you for coming. I take it my brother told you we were in the hospital." Stevie said closing her eyes.
"Yes, Chris called me. I rushed here as fast as I could." Lindsey replied.
Stevie sighed contently. "Thank you. I love you Linds." She said as she drifted off to sleep.
Lindsey smiled a little and whispered. "I love you too Stephanie." He kissed the top of her head and listened to her gentle breathing.

He was lost in his thoughts; he was thinking how much he wished he would have gotten to Stevie's house a few moments before it happened. He could have stopped Don, he wished he could take all of her pain, all of her fears and uncertainties. Then for a moment he wished that she was having his child's instead of Don's.
"Whoa Lindsey! Why did I just think that? You're married!" Lindsey thought to himself; he sighed internally. "But it's true...I love this baby so much already. I'm going to try my hardest to be there for Stevie and for her daughter."

As the week progressed, Stevie felt a bit better now that Lindsey was by her side; she felt so at ease.
Every night Stevie would open up more and more to Lindsey about the irrational thoughts that go through her mind every single day.
She would cry and he would comfort her; he waited till he was in the guest bedroom to cry himself; he wanted to remain strong in front of her.

Lindsey would sing to her belly; the sight melted Stevie's heart. She too would join him, their voices blending perfectly together like they always did.

Also during his stay, he would spend time with Jess and Barbara. They had always looked at Lindsey like a son.
When Stevie would nap, Lindsey would go downstairs to the living room; he and Jess would talk about everything and of course, about Stevie.
Jess would tell him his concerns and his fear of not being able to make it to meet his granddaughter.

The night before Lindsey was due to go back home, he and Stevie were cuddled up on her bed.
Kristen had decided to bring the kids to visit Stevie; she would fly with the children then drive home with Lindsey in the car he had rented at the airport.

They were engulfed in a comfortable silence.
Lindsey resting his hand on her belly feeling the baby kick. He couldn't help it, his hand was glued to her belly.

Stevie was lost in her thoughts as usual but this time she was lost in a "what if" fantasy.
After a few more minutes, Stevie let out a sigh.
Lindsey looked at her with a raised eyebrow.
"What is it Steph?" He asked.
Stevie shook her head with a sad smile. "Nothing, just lost inside my own head."
"Tell me? What is it?" He pressed.
"You'll just think I'm crazy." She replied.
"No I won't...come on. Tell me what's in that pretty little head of yours." He said lovingly.
Stevie took a deep breath. "I was just thinking...this is what it would have been like if it had worked out for us." She said with sadness. "You and me would have been married, maybe had a few kids together...You being here by my side right now...I just got swept into a fantasy where this..." She put a hand on her belly. "precious little one is ours."
Tears rolled down her cheeks; Lindsey brought his hand up to wipe the tears away.
"You know, I've thought the same thing. For a moment I thought of your daughter as my own." Lindsey whispered.
Their eyes locked; suddenly Lindsey softly kissed Stevie's lips. Her eyes were wide then she closed her eyes as she gave in and kissed him back.

Stevie pulled away suddenly and sat up against her headboard of her bed. She had one hand on her belly and the other covering her mouth as tears streamed down her cheeks. "Lindsey, that...that shouldn't have happened. I'm glad you are for me but...I need to be alone now. Please, go to your room and...I'll see you later."
Lindsey hung his head and stood up from her bed. "I'm sorry Stevie, I...don't know what came over me. I..." He stumbled with his words then said as he reached her bedroom door. "I'll go for now but I'll check on you later, okay?"
Stevie just nodded.

As soon as Lindsey closed the door, Stevie laid back down on her bed and curled into a ball, both hands on her belly.
She sobbed as she tried to make sense of her feelings. She knew it couldn't happen, they had lost their chance to be together years ago and they blew it. Lindsey was married now with three kids of his own.
Her heart broke even more than what it already was as she realized, that with that kiss, she was still in love with Lindsey.
She cried as she willed herself to once again lock away the love she had for him away deep inside her heart.
Before she fell asleep she knew that that was just an impossible thing to do. She would always love Lindsey no matter what.