Dear Demi (Sequel to Dear Nick)

My Heart

As I was kissing Zac, softly, Nick's face flashed in my head. It wasn't him smiling or looking pleasant. He looked angry, disappointed. He was glaring at me, with smoke all around him, like he had appeared in my dreams, many times since he was presumed dead. The guilt hit me like a punch to the gut & I gasped, pushing Zac away.

"I'm so sorry. I can't do this." I jumped up off the couch, wiping my mouth, like the germs were the reason for my guilt. "You should go, Zac."

"Demi, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I told you I would wait for you to be ready & then I go & kiss you."

I could barely look Zac in the eyes. "I'm not upset with you. I'm more upset with myself. I shouldn't have kissed you back. It feels like I cheated." I was pacing, looking down at the floor, trying not to throw up.

"Demi, you aren't cheating. Nick is gone. It's been almost six months."

I whirled around to glare at Zac. "I know exactly how long it's been, thank you very much. But I have loved Nick for as long as I can remember & he's been a part of my life. for nearly all of it. Six months isn't long enough to get over the love of your life. So excuse the fuck out of me if I feel guilty that I was kissing another man when Nick hasn't even been gone half a year yet." I pointed toward the front door. "Thank you for cheering me up, but I really need you to go, please."

"Demi..."

I held my hand up as I started walking toward the hallway. "Just go. Now." I said in a firm voice, then I walked, quickly, to my bedroom. I listened for the front door to close, then after that, I waited until I heard Zac's car start & pull out of the driveway. That's when I let out a breath & let the tears fall, freely. I grabbed one of Nick's green shirts that hung in the closet, glad that I had hung onto his clothes. I held it against my face & inhaled the faint scent of Nick.

I sat on my bed, bawling, looking at the photos of me & Nick that were all around the room. "I'm so sorry, Nick. Please don't think I've stopped loving you. I will never stop loving you. I promise. If I ever feel like I'm ready to move on, I will never love anyone the way I love you. Ever." I let out another sob, then laid on my bed, curling my body into a ball as I gripped the shirt close to my face. I cried myself to sleep & when I woke the next morning, I still could feel the guilt that crippled my heart.

Tracy had finally bought a house here, in California & was moving in this month, so she was in constant contact with me, lately. She texted me that morning & asked me how I was holding up. I felt so guilty, reading her texts. I felt ashamed that I had kissed Zac, like I betrayed her son. In my head, I knew it was stupid, but that's how my heart felt. I was grateful when she changed the subject & asked how things with Rick were going.

Nick's dad, Rick, had visited me & Evan several times, after his first visit, then he started to get a little distant. Over the holidays, his mind seemed to be elsewhere whenever I spoke to him or he'd come to visit. I didn't know him well enough to know if this was his personality or if he was being this way for a reason. He did tell me he told his daughter, Lailani, about Nick & she wanted to come visit us, sometime later, in the year. She was excited to find out she had a nephew & couldn't wait to meet him. He told me she wanted me to contact her on Facebook & I did right around Christmas. She was a beautiful girl & our email exchanges got a little less awkward the more time that went on. Lailani said she wanted to come visit after school got out in the spring & she was so excited to meet her nephew.