Muslimah in love

2. Nikah

4 months later

My nikah (marriage ceremony) was today. I had only seen him the twice but the weird thing was that I couldn't wait to see him again.  I hadn't been able to rest my mind, wondering what our new life together would be like. Oh, how I hoped that he was romantic and funny. I hoped that he was looking forward to seeing me as much as I was looking forward to seeing him. 

I was wearing a gorgeous mermaid lace-on-net ivory wedding dress. It was off the shoulder with a crystal beaded sating belt at the waist. My hair was in a neat bun, teamed with a simple tiara and a modest veil. The females of my family and my friends all sat around me, looking vibrant in their wonderful outfits.  I felt like a pure princess, sitting central and everyone's attention on me. But I hated it, all that attention on me. I wondered how all those celebrities felt always being in the spotlight. No wonder they seemed to go a little crazy.

 We were going to say our vows through the phone. I had made my only condition clear: whilst I was in his marriage, he could not marry again. We were allowed to put simple conditions like this. Luckily Zaid had accepted. After the Imam had taken my acceptance and approval, he asked Zaid. Silence eclipsed us all. Fear gripped my chest. What was taking him so bloody long? It wasn't that difficult to say 'yes'!

'Wedding jitters.' Amira whispered to me probably noticing my worried face. But I wasn't so sure. Should I stop the wedding?

'You'll be good for him, in fact, you are perfect for him,' My mother in law's words replayed in my mind. She had hugged me, smiling ear to ear a weeks prior to today. Then I imagined my parent's disappointment and my parents-in-law. They seemed so eager for me to marry him and so happy. Everyone was so happy. And I wanted to be happy. At times I felt happy but then at times, I felt worried. What if it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be: blissful, romantic and full. I always shoved the thoughts aside, after all God went according to our thoughts. Stay positive.

I couldn't stop the wedding; too much had been put into this. I couldn't simply stop it because it didn't feel right. I was going to get through this. It takes time. The Imam had asked, again silence and then after a deep breath, he finally said yes, in a very small voice. Everyone erupted in congratulations and smiles. The tight knot in my stomach loosened slightly, I faked my smiles.

'Zara, don't look so worried, men are nervous too you know. It's a huge responsibility on them. He has to look after not just himself but you, your future children and the household.' Amira said taking me aside. I didn't say anything.

Later, he came round looking a little rough for wear. He came into my room and everyone left us alone My cousins grinning and giving me those weird looks. He looked at me and stared, his face straight, expressionless.

'You look amazing mashallah (What God has willed).' He said after a while.

'Jazakallah (May God reward you/Thank you).' I said in a small voice and smiled. Perfect wife, I whispered to myself. But there was something not right. It was clear as ever. Should I ask? No, avoid it. We couldn't have a divorce an hour into the marriage. He clearly didn't look happy. As if he could sense my worry, he came over and stood in front of me. He smelt so good, of D&G and he smiled the breathtaking smile. He lifted my chin making me meet his mesmerizing hazel eyes. He ran his finger delicately across my cheek and kissed me...on my forehead, then hugged me! Disappointment etched over me. Seriously! I was expecting a proper kiss, where time was supposed to freeze and we were on top of the world etc. and all I got was a peck on my forehead! I had promised myself the first man I would kiss on the lips was my husband and on my wedding day. Then all of a sudden, he moved back and his eyes fell to my lips. I gulped. Ok, I was going to be getting my-

'See you tomorrow then.' He said nonchalantly and disappeared. He left me standing, frozen in my beautiful wedding gown watching after him. Didn't this marriage mean anything to him? Was he always going to be like? Maybe, I was simply overthinking things. He said yes after all. I forced my tears not to flow. Please Allah, don't let it be like this. I sat down, defeated. We didn't even cut the cake.

'That was quick. What'd you do scare him off with your beauty?'

'I wish. Now food. I'm starving and I want to change.' I swiftly changed the subject, blinking the tears away. I just wanted to take off the damn dress. There was nothing I could do now, we were married. Only time would tell.

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