Muslimah in love

26. Jasmin?

My heart thumped furiously as a rush of emotions cut through me; despair, failure, heartbreak disappointment, or maybe all of them. I inhaled deeply. I was in no way going to stay silent this time. So, i unveiled myself from the doorway and into the hallway, crossed my arms, and raised my right eyebrow.

'So this is the mysterious Jasmin.' I said, my voice sounded coldly cool. 

'What is she doing here?' Zaid asked. He looked tired and held a bag in his hand along with his black breifcase, the one i had bought him, a few week earlier.  I really didn't know why he was trying to cover this up. His act was over. I looked over to Sonia who looked blank. Not even a ounce of regret or embarrassment showed on her face. 

'Sonia, or shall i say Jasmin, care to explain?' Then i thought better of it, 'Actually don't. You know you both deserve each other. I hope you're proud of yourselves.' I shook my head and smiled sadly, at my stupidity and naivety. I was such a fool. I had fallen into the same trap twice, something Prophet Muhammad (P.B.U.H) had warned us against; all inthe name of love.

 'Zara!' Zaid called. 

'Don't.' Not even looking at Zaid, i went into my room.

'What is going on?'

'I don't know. why don't you tell me?' I said tidying up the desk. My papers were a mess. 

'I don't know.'

'Oh please,' I said turning around to face him, 'of course you do. I saw you both together.' There i had spilled the beans after so many months of keeping it to myself. 

'What?' He sounded horrified. 

'Yes, I've known your dirty little secret all this time,' I turned back and moved onto the laundry basket, which luckily held my clothes. 'At Costa's, the day before our first anniversary! All these months, i didn't know it was her, because she looked different, like someone else. But i know now. Of all the people in the world, why her? I felt tears sting my eyes, but i wouldn't let it flow.

'Zara,' He breathed, 'that was befor-.'

'Before' i scoffed. 'Do you really think i'm going to believe you? How could you do this to me? I forgave you and you stab me in the back again! ' I said furiously. 

'Let me expla-'

'Not only that;' i interjected, 'why is it that men think that they can do whatever, go out with whomever, and then expect to settle down with some untouched, religious virgin; when the guy's ready! Why should women who waited all their life get a second hand used man to spend forever. It's bloody ridiculous!' As I sprouted my fury at the injustice and sexism involved, I slammed the draws shut. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.Slowly but suddenly, the penny dropped...

'Is that why everyone keeps expecting our marriage to end already?' I whispered. horrified. If my heart was broken before, it was now being smashed into tiny little pieces.  

I didn't wait for an answer and stormed out trying to act as dignified as possible. I went into the landing and put on my abaya. Luckily the cow was gone, because i have no idea what i would have done to her.

'Where are you going?' Zaid said. I reached for my phone and purse.

'I don't know. because it seems like i don't know anything anymore.Just leave me alone.' 

I didn't know where i was going. I just got onto a random bus and got off on a random street. My mind had gone into a zombie mode. Dead through and through but my back-pain reminded me that i was very much alive and unfortunately not  in a painful dream. After a long time, i realized that i had forgotten to pray. But this day could only get worse. A few seconds later, I felt something. I halted in the middle of the street. Not now! This was the worst time to start my period! It was like one calamity after another. The rollercoaster of life, indeed, i muttered to myself. 

I rang the doorbell on the white door and waited. I urgently needed the bathroom but i wasn't going home. I had bought a little supply for myself. The door opened, revealing Kylie, who was dressed in grey three quarter gym leggings and a jumper. She looked bemused by my sudden arrival. It wasn't nornal for me to turn up out of the blue. Howeverm this clearly was not a normal situation: at all. A worse repetiton of a few months earlier. Back then, my mind had was occupied by New York and the city's vibrancy. I couldn't same the same for this time.

'Zara?'

'Hey, can i crash at yours for a few days?' I bit my lip trying to stop the tears but uncontrollable they began to pour down.

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