Muslimah in love

11. A Simple Question Part.1

I was going to ask him the question. I had been wondering about it for far too long, to be honest ever since we got married and recently it was bugging me more than ever. However, I was afraid to ask, afraid of the answer and afraid of how I'd feel after. Was I going to be digging my own grave of destruction by asking it? Some questions were better off left unanswered.But How was I going to approach the question? It was so random and we hardly ever talked so even more random. But I was reaching the end of this relationship. I felt like I was becoming bolder and braver. I needed to know. Was I the cause?  

'Do you want a cup of tea?' I asked hesitantly. Nothing better to start a conversation with- food.

'Sure thanks.' Zaid smiled looking up at me from his laptop. His legs were on the coffee table, something that irritated me. He caught me looking at it and removed his feet. At least I didn't need to tell him anymore.

I didn't understand how he could act so casual despite the grave secret he was harbouring. How could he so simply just smile at me, live with me and share a bed with me when he was with someone else? Again the question came to my mind, what was he waiting for? I stirred two cups and took a packet of Mcvities chocolate digestives with me.

'Thanks,' He said as I placed his mug on the table. I sat on the opposite end and folded my legs under me.

'What are you working on?' He was a financial manager, so it was mainly to do with numbers and hence Maths, a subject that was and still is an enemy of mine.

'Well, a plan for the next meeting on for my latest client.' I nodded and moments of silence passed as I watched him typing away and I built my courage. I pursed my lips together.

'Can I ask you something?' I said sipping my sweet tea. Yes, the first step was over.

'Of  course, you can.'

'I want,' I took a deep breath,' I want the absolute truth.'

Zaid looked confused and let out a shaky laugh.

'I wouldn't lie to you.' I almost snorted in disbelief but stopped myself in time.

'Why did you hesitate so much before you said yes to me?'

Zaid stilled like a statue. His eyes widened but it quickly passed.

'What kind of question is that and why are you asking now, more than a year after?' So acknowledged our anniversary and hadn't bothered with it. I pushed that aside. the question at hand needed to be dealt with.

'Better now than later right. Please, Zaid just tell me.' I held his arm. Our gaze held for a second. He suddenly got up and walked away. Damn. He was going leave me hanging in the middle. However, he stopped by the window and stared outside into the luminous city.

'I don't know. It was a huge responsibility I was taking on marriage. I just hadn't expected it to come so quickly and least of all with you. I wasn't...ready. But I knew I had to marry you. Mum and Dad were so keen and....'

'Least of all with me, what does that mean?' I interrupted.

'Ah, nothing.'

'It means something otherwise, you wouldn't have said it.' I frowned.

'Before you...' I could guess the agonising, bitter truth that was coming but I wasn't going to stop him. He needed to tell me and I needed to know.

'There was another girl. I wanted to marry her but my parents rejected her. She moved on and then I moved on and married you.' He said it so simply, emotionlessly and I was right, this marriage meant nothing to him.He wasn't over her and it was clear as daylight. The worst and most hurtful thing was that I had protected myself for my husband: For him. But he. He hadn't for his wife: for me. I got up and folded my arms.

'But you haven't moved on.' I sai bluntly. 

 Zaid whipped around. 'What? Of course, I've moved on. I'm with you aren't I?' I wanted to tell him I knew that he was with her too but I couldn't. Something was stopping me. It would probably cause him running towards her. That's the last thing I wanted to unfold in front of my face again. I won't tell him now. Enough humiliation was going to happen with my next few words. What are you waiting for! My head was screaming but I bolted my mouth to that issue. I closed my eyes. It's ironic how one question had led me to my conclusion. I was shaking and my insides were trembling. This was the beginning of the end.

'After Yusuf gets married, I want...I want  a divorce.'

'Zara!' He grabbed my arms. 'Zara, do you know what the hell you're saying?'

I shook myself off him and kept my arms in front of me like a barrier.

 'I know exactly what I am saying. I am miserable and unhappy. So I want a divorce after Yusuf gets married. I don't want to mess up his marriage. You owe me that much.  Another few months and we'll both be free. For now, I'll continue my duties. Cook, clean etc. Also, I would very much like you to sleep in the other room. '

 'This is ridiculous.'

'I don't think it is. Zaid we live together but as strangers. We don't talk, do anything together. This isn't a marriage.'

'Please don't do this. I need you.' I watched Zaid his voice soft, hurt and torn apart. How I wanted to shove everything aside and forget, but I couldn't. Forgive but don't forget, my Aunt used to say to me. I gulped the hard rock in my throat. He needed me and that was it. He didn't love me and more than need, I wanted to love and to be loved. But Zaid hadn't given me that.

'You don't need me and I certainly don't need you. I deserve better.' My voice sounded strong but inside, I was anything but that. I blinked the fiery tears away.

'I'm going to prove you wrong.' Ultimately, Jane Eyre, my heroine came into my mind. I wasn't going to give in just as she hadn't given into Mr Rochester. I learnt a lot from books and Jane Eyre had taught me a lot.

'it's too late.' I turned and walked away, every footstep becoming heavier than the other. I could feel the deepness of his stare. I was supposed to feel lighter, more at ease but I didn't. The reality was that somewhere in this broken heart of mine, I knew that I still loved him. But my love wasn't going to be enough for the both of us for this marriage.

Salaam, so in this chapter, Zara was pretty confident! The truth isn't finished there. Also, I just had to mention Jane Eyre, who is one of my all-time favourite fictional heroine. If you haven't read the book 'Jane Eyre' by Charlotte Bronte, then you must and watch the movie too. It's amazing. Let me know who your favourite fictional heroine is? Please don't forget to vote and comment and let me know what you all think. As always thank you all!!!xx