Muslimah in love

31. It's all ups and downs

As the water from the shower sprinkled down on me, I felt like I couldn't breathe and the steam and vapour was suffocating me. I had been in the bath far too long. Worry and stress flooded into me. Something bad was going to happen. I could just feel it in my gut. I quickly finished off my shower. It was dark outside and snowing. But light snowflakes. It was almost rare that it snowed in London, so I just stood and stared for a little while as I dried my hair with my cream coloured towel. 

I missed Zaid like crazy and I didn't think i could bare it without him any more. I wanted, no, needed him back in my life. It felt empty and hollow. Kylie tried her best to cheer me up but nothing was working. Days seemed to pass painfully and excruciatingly slowly. I felt like a zombie, stuck in a time-freeze. 

I heard my phone buzzing slowly. It had been charging. 30 miss call and 20 texts. My eyes widened. That sickly gut feeling came back.  I quickly answered the call from my my brother. 

'Zara-' 

'What's wrong?' I interjected. My heart beat was in an angry overdrive. 

'It's Zaid. He's been involved in an accident...' The rest of her words tuned out. My phone fell to the floor and I ran to the bathroom and vomited. No. No. No. Salty tears thundered down my face. Inaliallah -To Allah we belong- Please, Allah, don't take him away, I prayed. In less than a few minutes, I packed a weekend bag, and in a rush to pull on my uggs, i fell and banged my back. Crap. There was no doubt where I had to be and all thoughts of my 'letting him free' evaporated. 

I couldn't worry about myself and I was out the door in a few moments. I booked my train ticket on my way to the station and left Kylie a message. I had to see him. I needed to be there with him; for him. 

My heart drummed and the silent tears endlessly fell. People looked at me like I was mad and I felt exactly that. Mad, crazy, insane with fear and guilt. It was all my fault. What had I done? I looked at the mirror, my eyes had turned blood shot red.  The little puppy barking on the next aisle didn't help matters either. The man had looked at her a dozen times but I ignored it and anticipated the long train journey just to end. 

'Are you ok?' A women with a headscarf appeared. It was strange because it was rare to see another  Muslim, well distinctive Muslim on the train- when I travelled anyway. It must've been my sniffling. I nodded unable to speak.  

'Can I help with anything or do you want to talk?'

'My husband's in hospital, he's been in an accident. The worse thing is...that it's all my fault.'  

'Oh I'm so sorry and I am sure it's not your fault.' She said with sympathetic eyes. I thought it might help saying it aloud but it only made it ten times more real. This calamity was really happening! 

'I left him. If I had stayed this wouldn't have happened?' 

'You don't know that. If you believe in fate  and God, this is the layout, the wider plan. Have faith in it.' I nodded and for the remainder of the journey, she kindly remained seated next to me and even bought me a much needed coffee.   

I rushed to the hospital reception room. It was quiet and only a few people were around. I wondered about how it must've been only a few hours ago. 

'I'm here to see Zaid Isa, my husband.' I told the receptionist. 

'Sure. One moment please.' She gave me a smile. I couldn't return it. 

'Zara.' I turned to see my mother-in-law call my name. Her face was tear stained, her nose red and she looked withered and distraught. I immediately hugged her.