Muslimah in love

29.One last time

I made the difficult trip to my apartment flat. I stood outside the building just looking up at it. Memories rushed at me. I felt heartbroken at the fact that I would no longer be living there, no longer with Zaid. All the times of happiness defeated the times of sadness.However, It simply wasn't enough. It wasn't fair on Zaid to give up all his hard work and dreams for me.

I had argued with myself constantly. I loved him so much and couldn't imagine a life without him. I didn't want a life without him. I cried and sobbed and prayed to Allah to give me a way to have both. A middle way: between love and work. Maybe there was, and it depended on Zaid's father. However, knowing his father. There simply wasn't. His father was too intimidating, too stubborn, and a business man. Business men never revoked contracts and Zaid's father definitely wouldn't. I had waited so long to find my prince and now i was letting him go. It was my fault it was my choice afterall, but I felt that it was the correct choice, even if it meant that i would no longer be happy like i once was. 

I packed my luggage's slowly, not wanting to leave. Kylie would collect me once I was done since she couldn't help me pack as she had work. After I had almost finished, i sat down tired. My eyes suddenly caught a light-blue t-shirt of his, the one i had bought him, only a few weeks ago. It was soft cashmere and smelt like him. I held it to me and closed my eyes, breathing in his exotic, minty, masculine fragrance, savoring it. Memories of his warmth, his mesmerizing smile and his deep laugh passed through me. I would cherish them and remember them forever. I wouldn't have him, but i had our memories. 

I signed. I went over to my coat and got out the letter, that i would leave behind. I didn't want to face him, because i knew what would happen if I did. I would listen to his words or reassurance, loose my self-control and give in, and i couldn't let that happen. I left the letter on my dressing table. I looked at my beautiful sparkling engagement ring. That was the one item i never wanted to let go off, but i had to. It was my prized possession but giving it up made everything more real. 

Kylie had come and all my items were now sitting in her car boot. Since it was winter, it was dark already and also esha salaah/prayer time had begun already.

'Are you coming?' Kylie asked. I should go with her, i thought but something, a feeling so strong stopped me. 

'I'll make my own way, if that's ok?' I said. 'I'm just going to pray.' 

'Sure. Of course.' She smiled and left. I was now Kylie's roommate, well for the time being anyway. I would help her out until i found a place of my own. That was the plan.  After I had prayed, I went into the living room and looked out the large glass window, across the city skyline for a few miuntes. I'd miss the view. Everything felt so final. Ok, it was time to go. I needed to put on my headscarf and coat. As soon as I turned, i froze in my tracks.

'Your back.' Zaid announced to no one in particular. His briefcase cluttered to the floor and he buried his hands deep into his trouser pockets. He stood at the end of the room and looked exactly as Yusuf had described: rough and worn out, as if he hadn't eaten or slept properly for days. His tie was loose arounf the collar.My heart surged in anguish. I breathed deeply, and bit my lips. i needed to apologize.

'I want to say sorry. For everything. I over reacted and-'

'So, you know now?' He interjected. He looked thoughtful as of he was calculting something, but i couldn't tell what. He walked closer to me and I stood, frozen to my place, as if my feet were glued onto the floor. He reached out and tucked my loose hair strands behind my ear and stroked my cheek. I felt jolts buzz through me. I missed his touch and the way he was looking at me now. Hell, I missed every damn thing! 

'Yes, and i am so terribly sorry-' My words became muted by his searing kiss.

'It doesn't matter anymore.' He whispered and continued to kiss me. I felt my legs turn to jelly and his strong grasp kept me up. After a few seconds of loosing myself, i gently pushed him away, trying to catch my breathe. What was going on? I wanted him desperately but couldn't. I was losing my mind and that kiss was to blame. This wasn't my plan. I was supposed to be gone before he returned, but here he was looking all the more hot in all his roughness. Even his beard, which was longer than usual, made his eyes look more captivating. 

'Zara, what's wrong?' He said looking puzzled. He reached out and cradled my face in his hands, forcing me to look into his eyes. I had nothing to say, yet everything to say

'Should i put on the kettle?' He asked me. He was standing there, gazing at me as if i was some rare treasuring. Ok, i thought, one last time.

Yes, I nodded to myself. He was about to turn thinking I had agreed. Before, he did, I  grabbed his collar and kissed him. This time he pulled away, but i still hung onto his collar. He leaned his forehead against mine with his eyes closed. He cleared his throat.

'We should talk.' He suggested. 

'Yes.' I bit my lip but within the next few seconds, that suggestion was lost as our lips locked together in unison. He lifted me up as if i was light as a piece of paper, and we travelled into euphoria.

The next morning, i felt relaxed and rested, better than i had felt in like a hundred years. Grief and pain lasted a millennium and happiness only a few precious seconds. It reminded us how tedious our lives on earth were. But in the next world, in Paradise inshallah, grief wouldn't exist, only laughter and bliss. Last night felt like a heavenly dream, but the muscular, warm body i was cuddling in, made it a reality. I wanted to stay there in the embrace of my beloved forever. I looked up into his handsome face, he was sound asleep but there with a little smile on his lips.I brushed his mane of facial hair with my figers and giggled silently. I felt like a child playing with a lions mane. Suddenly, he caught my hand and kissed it. He whispered 'I love you,' and went back into his deep slumber. I giggled some more and then some stupid silent tears started to descend. 

After a while of savouring our last moments together I knew i had to go. I kissed him delicately as if he was sleeping beauty, but instead of him awakening, i was being bought to reality, an unthinkable reality.  I cautiously got out, dressed and crept out the house. I felt like some kind of a criminal, but a very daft one. Everything was turning into opposites. I just hoped and prayed that he'd understand after reading my letter. 

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Oh oh, poor Zaid. WHat was Zara thinking?! Anyway, hope you liked this chapter cause i sure enjoyed writing it ;) Don't forget to  vote xx