Hunger and Highs (BEING REWRITTEN)

Eleven- Sorry

//unedited\\

~Josh~

I couldn't believe what had just happened. It was like I couldn't control myself, wasn't it? I couldn't stop myself from saying things sometimes and that's how I pushed people away. I always fucked everything up. I couldn't help it, I would say something terrible, and make it worse before I even realized I'd screwed up.

But I didn't want his pity. I didn't want his help because he felt bad for me, I wanted him to want to be my friend. Then again who was I kidding? He was so far out of my league in every aspect. I didn't deserve someone like him, because I was a good for nothing suicidal asshole who dealt with his problems by getting shitfaced with another guy. I wanted to be mad at him for not being able to handle me, I wanted to be mad that he wasn't really in deep enough to take it, but I couldn't.

I had the deepest feeling of regret for everything that I'd said. I was like Brendon, I never cared about what people thought about me in any way. I was my own person who couldn't care less about anyone but myself and a few select others. And maybe it was a little low of me to ditch Tyler to essentially go get laid. A temporary sense of pleasure opposed to relaxation and tranquility, laziness and rest. With him, I felt all of my stress just seem to melt away and I didn't think about it until I left again.

Then I realized that when I was with him it was like I was high, but it was a good kind. I felt like I was on cloud nine, like I could be myself and not have to worry about him judging me or telling me I was wrong. I didn't have to worry about him blaming me for someone's death, and I didn't have to worry about whether or not I'd wake up safe and alive. He was my high, he was the only thing that took my mind off of my shitty life.

And I probably royally fucked that up. Good going Josh! You just screwed up a friendship, a potentially damn good friendship that could have made life so much better. Brendon now had Dallon, and I knew Dallon didn't put up with anyone's shit so of course Tyler had to be real about what he wanted. He had to have been telling the truth when he said he wanted to help me. I was so naive to think that he wanted anything other than what he said.

"Why am I so fucking stupid?" I asked myself as I sat on a bench, pulling at my hair.

"Because you're mind is fucked up from all the drugs." I heard from beside me. I looked up and seen Brendon. "That's the biggest reason that I almost lost Dal, and I was just lucky enough for him to listen for like five minutes even though he was pretty close to hating my guts." He chuckled lightly while puffing on a cigarette.

"I thought he was going to make you quit?" I asked as he exhaled and handed it to me, to which I happily accepted.

"He compromised on letting me just smoke regular cigarettes instead." He stated while pulling another one out of the pack. "Keeps me at bay, tames the withdrawals, keeps me alive for now." He informed and even though I'd known him for a very long time, it was the happiest I'd ever seen him. "Of course nothing keeps me in line quite like Dallon does."

"Dude, I don't want to know about your sex life." I joked while taking a puff of the cigarette he let me have. He laughed as well.

"Speaking of sex lives, how's yours with Debs?" He asked and I felt that ping of guilt again. "Ah, I see I've hit a never!" He said triumphantly.

"Well I may or may not have potentially ruined everything with Tyler just because I wanted to get laid." I said distastefully. He snorted which made me roll my eyes. "Thanks for the support."

"Look, I know what you're going through. But I'm telling you right now that the only way you're going to be able to try and fix it is if you show up with your heart on your fucking chest. Not your sleeve, your chest. That's right buddy, take that damned shirt off because you have to show that you truly are sorry." He said, using his hands dramatically as if it would help prove his point.

"And how the hell do I do that? I've never had to apologize to someone." I admitted and he didn't seem fazed by it.

"That's how I felt at first but once I was given the chance I just said everything that came to mind, but you just wouldn't somehow come to realize that you had some really fücking deep feelings for him." He said with a small smile of contentedness. Of course it was like that, everything was pure impulse these days. No one took the time to actually think about what they were going to do. "Live a little man, don't seem so uptight."

"The last time you told me to live a little, you wound up getting me addicted to drugs." I said and he snorted. I knew he felt bad for all of that but it was just him. It was mostly my fault for letting him influence me. "But you don't understand, I'm the kind of person that says shit and doesn't realize that I've screwed up until the damage has been done."

"Dude we're literally the same way. What do you think happened with my last girlfriend?" He asked and I shrugged. I never paid attention to his girlfriends. "Are you going to see Debby?" He asked and I shrugged.

"Should I?"

"I don't know, she might be able to tell you how to deal with this." He informed and I nodded.

"Alright, I'll go do that. What are you doing around here anyway?"

"Dal's rich as fuck, he lives around here and doesn't want me smoking in the house." He said nonchalantly. "I'm uh, moving in with him by the way." He admitted and I smiled slightly.

"Later Bren." I waved and he saluted me.

~

"Look, Debs I didn't come here to have sex." I said as she kissed my neck. She seemed shocked at what I said and looked at me strangely. "I need your advice on something." I admitted and she furrowed her brows even more.

"What is it...?"

"Well you see, Tyler and I kind of got into a fight and-"

"That's what you're torn up about? Honestly babe, you could do so much better than that freak show." She said with a scoff. I felt myself become slightly offended.

"Freak show?" I asked to clarify.

"Yeah I mean, did you not notice how he was so skinny? He probably throws his food up or something weird like that. He also acts like he'd be one of those who seek attention and he's so weird looking." She said disgustedly. "Like is this some kind of pity act or something?"

"Pity? What the fuck, he's supposed to be helping me. And it's funny how you have all of these negative things to say about him while all he's talking about is how fucking perfect you seem to be, but you wanna know something? The only thing that's wrong with him is that he misjudged you, and he's got some serious self confidence issues but we're working on it." I snapped.

"Why are you defending him? You've known him for what? A few days? We've been dating for over a year and-"

"And that gives you no right to talk about him like that." I deadpanned and she scoffed.

"Josh really? He's probably depressed or something, do you really want to get into that?" She asked and I grabbed my stuff, turning to walk out of the house. "You leave and we're done." She warned and I stopped at the door and clenched my jaw, but I swung the door open and walked out.

God I hoped Tyler was worth it.

Sorry this is shit again

Likes and comments appreciated