Hunger and Highs (BEING REWRITTEN)

Fourteen- What's Wrong?

//unedited\\

~Josh~

"Josh, you'll never believe what just happened!" Tyler squealed over the phone. I had to hold the phone away from my ear slightly to protect my ear drum.

"You met Zac Efron?" I asked with a chuckle and I could just see him roll his eyes with a smile. "What is it?" I asked with a happy smile as I flipped through a magazine.

"Troye asked me out!" He said and I stopped mid turn of the page. I wasn't surprised really, but I couldn't believe it actually happened. "I was a bit shocked at first and then I was like 'omg yes yes yes!' And he was so cute because he smiled so big Josh can you believe someone actually likes me?" He asked and I felt something, almost like a knot being tied too tight.

"That's... That's great Ty."

Sometimes I wondered what a rope felt like when it was tied too tight. Did it hurt? Did it want to scream out in pain and agony? Did it want it to just end right then and there when someone yanked it even tighter? Of course no one has ever thought about such a thing because hell, it's a fucking rope. The rope doesn't feel anything, they would say, it's just an object at our disposal.

But when you thought about it, weren't we all at someone's disposal? Weren't we all just pawns in this little game we call life? Maybe I started thinking like that when Tyler told me that he and Troye were going out. It was in that time that I felt the ever tightening knot be pulled into a slightly uncomfortable feeling, almost feeling as if it were just slightly too tight but bearable. Normally it would go away after a while, you'd get used to it, or it would just stay the same.

That's not happened with me. You always have someone that wants to come along and yank on it again to make sure it won't break when someone wants to lift you up by it and sling you across the room for being an idiot.

Two months, Tyler and Troye had been together for two months and I felt sick every time I looked at Tyler. He was always smiling, he was always laughing, he always had something to eat, he was always avoiding me. Of course what could I expect out of him? He was so far above me, he was so far out of my league that I shouldn't have even been able to touch him or breathe the same air as him.

He opened a new door for me, he helped me see that life wasn't that bad without constantly having a high to relax me. He allowed me to think that, if even for a second, that someone cared enough to try and save me but in the end, is anyone really worth saving? You're really only putting off the inevitable, everyone is going to die eventually. Some people die young, some people die old, some people don't even get to live outside of the womb because people think it's okay to take their life without asking.

Then again sometimes I wish my parents would have waited, or would've decided against me like they were going to until they realized they actually wanted kids. I was a mistake, an accident that no one seen coming. It was a life changing thing that I wished I could change. Go back in time and warn them of what would happen if they decided to keep me. Tell them how much heartache they'd have if they let me breathe outside in the real world. How fucked up I would turn out to be.

Because here I was, laying on the roof of my house at two in the fucking morning looking at stars and the moon that was barely shining through the small puff of clouds that decided to pass through for a moment. I couldn't help but think that maybe I was a cloud, just drifting here and there with only a few friends that only care when they have time too and aren't sucking face with their boyfriend. I wouldn't bother them with my shit anyway, they have their own problems.

I couldn't help but wish Tyler would call me and ask me to come over for no apparent reason, or maybe he'd show up spontaneously and say something about an adventure; but this isn't a fairy tale. Life doesn't work out like the movies or books that teenage girls dream about happening. I would have to say that the worst part about the whole thing, the reason why I hurt so bad was because I'd finally found someone who seemed willing to help me. Someone actually acted like they cared, someone seemed like they were actually going to try. But I guess I got my hopes up too soon, let my guard down too soon, I let him in too soon. 

And how fucking ironic was it that my phone started ringing. "Hello?" I asked quietly without looking at who was calling.

"Josh? What's wrong?" I heard Tyler's soft voice ask over the phone. I took in a shaky breath as I realized that he was calling me at two in the morning for God's sake. "Josh talk to me."

"About what, Ty?" I asked shakily. "What is there to talk about after two months?" Was I really going to blame this all on him? It wasn't like I could call up Troye and blow him out for stealing my best friend. But then again how could I say that Tyler ever actually was my best friend in the first place, how did I know that he wasn't just playing with me? Then I heard him sniffle. 

"Have you ever just looked at the stars late at night?" He asked and I hummed in response. "They're so beautiful, especially for people who feel empty. Like they're missing part of them because someone took that away. And people are stupid. We allow others to take away what's the best thing because we think that we can have something better. We allow them to tell us what to do, we allow them to brainwash us and use us as slaves-"

"Tyler where is this going?" I asked and he exhaled deeply. "Tyler where are you?" I said. 

"Troye's apartment. I'm actually outside in the road, there isn't much traffic around this time." He joked and I rolled my eyes. "Where are you?" He asked quietly.

"I'm on my roof, trying to imagine the most beautiful thing because the stars aren't even close."

"Awe, are you talking about Debby?" He cooed and I sighed. 

"No, we actually broke up like two months ago." I informed and he made an 'o' sound. "It's been so long since I've seen they're eyes that I've nearly forgotten the richness of their color." 

"I know what you mean." He replied softly. "I miss you Josh. Mind if I come home?" He asked and my heart skipped a beat. He giggled nervously which was the best thing I've heard in a long time. "Whoops, I meant come over to your home." 

But there was a part of me that wanted me to be his home. What's up with that right? 

 Sorry this is bad I'm writing in class

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