Hunger and Highs (BEING REWRITTEN)

Fifteen- Hi

//unedited\\

~Still Josh~

The asphalt was still warm even with it being the early hours of the morning. It was in that time of the year where it would be comfortably warm during the day and then freezing during the night. I didn't mind it honestly, I enjoyed the chill bumps I got every time the wind decided to blow in some random direction. I wondered if it ever got lonesome just going through life, passing through different towns, seeing things that some of us humans dream of seeing but never get to. I wondered if it ever wanted to just settle down and take a breather, but then again was that even a sane thought to have. 

Of course, after all the time I'd spent always high on something I wouldn't be surprised if sanity had left me a long, long time ago. Of course it was fairly obvious about my mental state due to the fact that I was laying on my back in the middle of the road. I wasn't listening for cars, and I don't think I would have really cared if a vehicle just so happened to come racing down and then wondering what they ran over when the car bumped. 

I kept running over the short conversation with Tyler. He was the only person that could ignore me for more than two days and I still not be able to resist the opportunity to see him. In the small amount of time that he and I spent together, I'd found myself growing ever closer to him. Every day, I found myself forgetting that maybe he was just helping me out of pity and actually opening up to him more. I'd told Tyler more in two weeks than I had told Brendon in two years. 

Life was good, Tyler was the only thing that I needed for some time, and I thought that maybe he felt the same way. But then Troye came along, and stole my happiness away at the same time. He was able to make Tyler smile all the time, he was able to make him eat without threatening him, he was able to make him happy and afford to buy little pointless things. Truth was that I missed him, I really fucking did. He meant so much more to me than I wanted him to but it wasn't like I could do anything about it now. Normally, what he had done these past two months would have pushed me away and made me despise him practically. However that didn't happen. If anything, it made me want him more.

I wanted him in a more than a friend way, and not in the sexual way. I practically had withdrawals when it first started and I never got to see him. It was a horrible feeling and it was worse than when I didn't have drugs. He made me happy, he took my mind off of what was waiting on me at home, he took my mind off of why I did drugs, he took my mind to levels that I couldn't even begin to compare to the highs I got when under the influence. And I hated that.

Then I thought about how happy he looked with Troye. His eyes sparkled, his face had to hurt from smiling, and his hands had to be sweaty from holding the other's all the time. I angrily wiped at the tears that fell from my eyes unwillingly. I didn't want to accept the fact that I had lost the battle before I had the chance to fire a shot. Of course I probably wouldn't have even attempted to try because I could see the look in his eyes when he would zone out. I could see the way he sigh after being too far into his thoughts. I exhaled shakily. I didn't move when someone laid down beside me, I didn't look over at them as I felt their gaze burning holes into the side of my face, and I almost didn't recognize or register the fact that they were talking. Almost. 

"J-Josh?" He said as he looked over at me. I didn't want to look at him, I didn't want to look over and see a healthy, happy boy that had been made better by someone who came along and took my place. As horrible as it sounded, I wanted to look over at him and see the starving, self conscious one that I'd met not three months ago. "Josh, look at me." He commanded and when I finally did, his eyes were fierce as they stared back into mine. "Hey." He whispered and I couldn't help but smile at his word.

"Hi." I replied and he giggled with his tongue poking out in a cute way. I took a moment to take in his appearance in the dim light coming from the shitty street lamp above us. His face seemed fuller and I no longer had the urge to tell him how beautiful he was because he was struggling with that. I wanted to tell him that he was beautiful because he was, not that he wasn't before but even more so now. It made my heart ache and the twisting of jealousy rose up in my stomach as I hoped Troye knew just how lucky he was. "How's life?" I asked finally, swallowing the lump in my throat as I tried to conversate with him for the first time in what felt like forever.