Hunger and Highs (BEING REWRITTEN)

Twenty- I Can't Breathe

//unedited\\

~Josh~

I've lost a lot of people in my lifetime. Some of the people I didn't even know, but it was my fault that their life was cute short, so of course it hurt me. I wanted to go back, make a different decision, change the course of history, but I couldn't do that. Same with what Tyler did.

I felt like it was my fault, really, that he did what he did. I know it wasn't, I know it but it doesn't help me. Tyler had written in a little journal while he was in that bathroom, that bathroom where he had cut the lifelines that kept him on the ground. I admit, sometimes all you want to do is see whether you fly or sink down to the ground. It's like puppet strings that drag you through life rather than making your own decisions. Tyler must have figured that out, and once you do figure that out, all you want to do is see what it's like to be without that puppeteer.

In that journal, albeit covered in blood, had the events of the day that had ruined his life. I was so angry when I'd read it, I wanted to beat the living shit out of that good for nothing ass wiping tit fuck, but I knew that would do nothing but get me arrested for violence. I still haven't got up the courage to go in and see Tyler. I didn't want to see him hooked up to life support, I didn't want to see the colorless skin he had. I didn't want to see my life fade away with him.

I inhaled the toxins of a cigarette, feeling the foreign toxins fill up my lungs. I sat outside of the God forsaken hospital in the chilling air, my skin numb from the low temperatures. It matched the way I felt on the inside; empty, barren, alone. I didn't want to feel any different though, because then I would feel like I was betraying Tyler in some way. Feeling okay would have destroyed me.

I knew that I cared about Tyler, and I cared about him a lot. I couldn't help but smile every time I seen him. He was like a ray of sunshine to my darkness, and I knew he had problems, but don't we all? Everyone has issues, and looking passed them is the best way to love someone. Love? That was a strange subject for me usually, but I could say I loved Tyler so easily. It rolled off my tongue like turpentine.

If someone had asked me, I probably would have told them to fuck off. I would have never admitted it to anyone before I admitted it to Tyler and I would have never admitted it to him. It would have been just something I had to get over. I would have been okay with him falling in love with someone else because you can't just make someone love you because you want them to. It doesn't work like that.

Love, it's an evolving matter. It's kind of like humans, we started out small and mediocre. We weren't the smartest of all the creatures but we made it out somehow, and then evolved into something intelligent, but also a burden to the world and its environment. That's what love is, intelligent because it knows how to make someone daydream and be happy, but it's a burden because it knows how to ruin your life. I didn't want it to ruin me, so I was just gonna run with it.

I was never a track star in high school.

Finally, I stood up. My joints were stiff from the cold, but I ignored that. I dropped the cigarette down and stubbed it out with my toe, making my way towards the hospital doors. When I reached the elevator, I went up the the Intensive Care Unit floor. I seen Tyler's mom, dad, his brothers and sister, and even the old lady that worked for them sitting in the waiting room. They gave me a nod as I walked by them and into the hallway where the rooms were. All of the people look pitiful, a sickening sight really.

At the end of the hall, was Tyler. My beautiful, perfect Tyler, was laying there with tubes hooked up to his small body, fluids and blood being transferred into him, his skin pale and lifeless looking, oxygen being pumped into him. I doubled over the trash can, because let's be honest, I felt sick. I had seen him with blood all over him when I got to the house, but this was a whole new level. This made it real. I coughed a few times, but finally composed myself enough to walk over shakily to the side of the bed.

When I sat down, more like fell down, in the chair, I attempted to steady my breathing. I wasn't crying, just a little short of hyperventilating. I closed my eyes and imagined Tyler smiling at me and making a sarcastic comment about how I was getting soft. God I missed his laugh already, and it had only been a few hours.

I had been deprived of him for three goddamn months, and none of that time felt as agonizing as this. This physically hurt. When he was with Troye, I knew there was still a possibility he would come back to me, but now I couldn't be sure of anything. I was afraid of holding his hand, fearing that it would break him or something. I didn't want to hurt him further, I didn't want to break him. So I did the only thing I knew I could do without hurting him or myself; I spoke.

"Oh my god Tyler, what the fuck were you thinking? Do you know how much you hurt yourself? You're so strong, maybe the strongest person I know, but even you might not be able to come back from this. Ty, I don't want you to hurt, but you have to come back to us. Not just for me, but for Zach, and-and Jay, Mads, your mom and dad, Dal, all of us. We love you so fucking much man, we'll even throw you a party for coming back from Narnia or some shit." I laughed a bit at my stupidity.

"Shit, Tyler, I don't know what to say anymore? I love you so fucking much, and you just have to know that. I don't know what I'll do without you if you don't come back. I-I can't fucking breathe without you. You are my light, you're my beautiful person. I love you and everything you do. You brought me back to life, and I wish I could do the same thing for you, but you know I can't. I'm empty without you. How can I feel alive when I'm dead inside? Smiles, my smiles came from you, and how perfect you are. Just, please come back to us? If not for me, for them? Just think about it, okay?" I finished up, taking a deep breath and looking at the door.

I seen Tyler's dad standing there, and I was nervous for a split second before he sniffled and nodded at me. He walked out and I exhaled, letting out a breath I was holding. I stood up and took another look at Tyler. I seen his shoulders rise up with air and then deflate dramatically, kinda like he did when he was aggravated, or determined. I walked to the door, but before I left, I turned to him one last time and spoke with a deep smirk plastered on my face.

"Goodnight."

BUM BUM BUMMMMM

yeah idk

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