The Enigma's Anomaly

You Can Say All These Beautiful Things, but They Don't Mean Nothing

It's only nine, but it honestly feels like it's the middle of the night. My body is achingly tired, and I can't even stand how hard it is to look at Gerard right now. It's like looking at a ghost. He's dead, or as good as. It kills me.

I've been in his shoes before. I've known that I was going to die soon, and I had to accept that and it was painful. The scariest feeling in the world, without a doubt. There's no terror like the one of knowing that you're going to die. Just looking back on the thought makes it hard to breathe. I never want to go through that again, but in a lot of ways, what I'm feeling right now is that exact same thing. I'm not the one who's going to be dead, but I feel like I am. It hurts just as much, it just doesn't feel as imminent.

In a lot of ways it feels like its centuries away when it's only hours. I'm going to be standing in twenty hours in a similar spot, but Gerard is going to be gone. Death is so eternal, and so unfathomable. I don't know what I believe, but I do know that I'm not going to see Gerard again after tomorrow. I can't even picture it, it seems so impossible.

Here I am, sure I'd finally found the one. I finally found the one person who I'd put it all away for, and the guy I'd give anything up for. Knowing Gerard he'd never ask me to give up anything, but I'd have done it. I would, and I wouldn't have looked back.

I was going to have a life with Gerard. I was going to sit with him at that stupid hipster coffee shop, and talk about zombies. I was going to ask him stupid questions sitting and drinking coffee and feel like a hopeless idiot because he's so perfect. I was going to watch the last Harry Potter film with him in the shelter of his apartment, and kiss him until I forgot about the movie. I was going to hang out with Mikey and be nervous to meet his parents. I was going to move into his place, and I was going to watch him earn awards for his comics. I was going to read the newspaper over his shoulder, and make faces at him. I was going to pick out clothes with him and tell him that a pair of jeans made his ass look nice. I was going to wake up on a Monday morning and groan because I had to go to work, but then I was going to smile because Gerard would be right there beside me. I was going to have stupid fights with him over the dishes. I was going to marry this crazy haired bastard, and I was going to have his future unborn adopted babies. I was going to have him.

All the things I was going to do with him is just a despairing reiteration of what I wanted before I got him, but it's all so much worse than it was back then. Before all of this, I could daydream and imagine a universe where it was true, and there was always that knowledge that it wasn't impossible. It's not possible anymore though. I don't have a future with him at all.

Gerard paces around the room for a few minutes, opening and closing his mouth like he's trying to find words.

He finally says something, with a meager little voice, "Frank, I was wondering. Because it's, like, my last night alive, I mean... would you maybe wanna-"

"No Gerard, because I'm pissed. I just can't right now. I can't. No."

"Fine whatever. I'm just going to be dead tomorrow," Gerard says, his tone switching from nervous to angry quickly.

"God, like that's my fault? I hate this more than you do, Gerard! Stop being such a fucking prick about it. I'm not going to fuck you just because you're going to die tomorrow. That's not why we have sex in the first place," I say, feeling myself practically boiling with anger. I don't know why I'm angry at him. Well, I do actually. He shouldn't have done what he did. He shouldn't have taken the phone from me, and sold himself out like that. I was going to do it. I should've.

I'm not saying there's any hope of us to come out on top here, but if there is any chance that we'll be able to save Mikey, I'm the one who's going to be able to do it. Gerard can't hold a gun, and surely Banks will see that. I don't think I can save Mikey and myself, but I'm more likely to than Gerard is.