A Different Reality (Lasting Love)

Celebrating

"You okay, babe?" Justin holds my hair back for me.  I sit up against the wall to relax.  I've spent more time vomiting today than I have not.

"I'll be fine." I get up walking through the cabin to the kitchen where the kids are "I have to be so we can go have fun."

"Are you sure?" He asks again "I can always just take them swimming today.  He's one, he'll never remember and she doesn't care."

"Don't worry about it.  I'm not going to miss out on seeing their faces when we get there today.  I don't care how sick I am." I shoot him the look of 'We know what it is anyway' and he drops the situation.

"What wrong, mommy?" Kay runs up to me "You sick?"

"My belly just hurts a little." I pick her up and set her on the counter "But I'm okay.  We can all still go to the water park like me and daddy promised."

"It baby sister.  Like Ben." She says quietly.  Justin and I look from each other back to her.

"What do you mean, princess?" Justin walks over carrying Ben "What baby sister?"

"In mommy's belly." She replies nonchalantly reaching out to play with Ben.

I pull Justin to the side right away, angry that he might have told her something.  Even though were almost certain I am pregnant, we don't have proof, so I don't want her to know yet.

"You told her!?!?" I ask furiously "I thought we agreed not to say anything until we know for sure."

"Of course I didn't tell her, Jen!" He pushes me into our room and shuts the door so they won't hear "Why would I tell her when we don't even know?  She's not stupid.  She probably heard us talking about it, and she remembers when you were sick with Ben."

I pace back and forth around the room, trying to wrap my head around everything.  I know what is happening, so why don't I feel ready to accept it?  Why else would I be this sick, tired and craving pickles and mustard?  I have to be pregnant.  There's no other explanation for this.  We've been suspecting it for days now, I just need the test to prove it.  I just can't get myself to take it. 

"Jennifer," He grabs my hand leading me towards the bathroom, handing me a box "It's been over a month now since that condom broke on us.  You've been throwing up at the most random times for a week now, and have all these other symptoms.  I know you think we aren't ready for a 3rd baby, but you need to just take the damn test already.  Whether you want it or not, a baby is coming out of you in the next 9 months."

"Fine." I take the box from him opening it.  I try to do what I need to, but something stops me.

"I can't, Justin." I finally admit to him what he already knows "I can't do this.  I can't have a third child when I don't even get to see my other two as often as I should.  It's just not fair to the baby."

"You're too late for this." He hands me the tests again and walks towards the door "You need to do this.  A few months ago you wanted a baby, what happened?"

"When I said I wanted one I meant in a year or two, not right now." I feel myself completely start to break down crying.  I want a baby.  I want the baby more than anything in the world, but I also want to not feel guilty for being on set all the time and not being able to take care of my children 24/7.  I feel like I'm constantly pushing them aside, and that's not the mother that I want to be.  I want to be the devoted mother who always has time to spend endless hours with her kids.  Not the one that feeds them and then sees them another few hours before bed.

Justin leaves to go check on the kids giving me no choice.  I take the test and anxiously wait to see the lines that are going to change our lives forever.

I take one last look at them before walking out to Justin and the kids.  We were right.

Justin takes one look at my face and instantly knows what I'm about to tell him. 

"Congratulations, babe!" He walks over to kiss me "This baby is so lucky to have you already."

"Yeah," I smile through the tears, knowing full well that I'm beyond excited for the baby now that I know our suspicions were true.

"See, mommy!" Kay walks over to me pulling Ben with her "I told you baby!"

"You did, honey!" I laugh pulling both her and Ben closer to me "You guys are going to be the best big brother and sister ever."

"Baby!" Ben yells surprising Justin and I.  Even though he is one now, he doesn't say much because Kay doesn't let him.

"That's right, buddy!" Justin picks him up excitedly "Do you know where the baby is?" Ben shakes his head no and jumps out of Justin's arms running over to get his floaties.

"Swim?" He runs back over to me holding them.  I hold him while Justin struggles to get them on his arms.  Kay gets hers on next, even though she can swim, and Justin and I get everything we need before walking out the door and to the water park.

"Well," Justin looks over at me as we watch the kids, "I guess we better get used to feeling overwhelmed."

"I guess."  I laugh, looking out, feeling like I'm some kind of failure for not being able to find them right away, "Maybe we should go play with them so we know where they are."

"Okay," he grabs my hand, "Let's go have some fun!"