Violent abusers love to give victims rewards. I've learned that after 16 years. After a beating or verbally bashing you, they love to give you things to make it seem as if it all comes from love. An ice cream cone, a new phone, new shoes. It all comes crashing right back down after another beating. You start realizing that they give you these things to make it seem as if you can't possibly be s victim of abuse. You seem normal to other people and that's enough for them.
Abusers are nice enough to get them by. A peck on the cheek in the morning, or an I love you - it makes your mind calm to think that they did all of this out of love. And that for every beating, it should be a lesson learned on my (the victim's) part. It's a sure way to keep your mouth shut, to not want to get help from others because it will make it seem like you're lying. People will think you have to be lying if you have all of this nice stuff or look a certain way. But bruises fade, scars are covered by make up.
Abuse is something I've suffered through, in combination with mental illnesses and negative self images, it's tiring. You learn to close your eyes to stop feeling, you learn to be silent, not to have any emotions, not to have any love for anyone. But suffering is optional, I'll always remind myself that.
Suffering is optional, there will always be pain. But suffering is just like turning on a light switch. You either sit in the dark or find a way to get to the switch and turn it on.
YOU ARE READING
Woman.
PoetryA book of poems and feelings. A book from a girl, a rose from the concrete. A Woman growing.
