Secret Thoughts (Yoonmin) [#wattys2017]

3

Chapter three: On how Yoongi began to cut himself

To lie about his broken heart had been easy, but when he realized there were people who didn't think he was talented enough to be in the group he began to doubt everything he did or wrote and it made him incredibly unsure of himself.

Due to this, Yoongi would spend days locked up in his studio, trying to write something to show those people that he was worth it, but because he wasn't mentally stable to do so, he would end up shouting in anger and ripping the paper where he'd written the lyrics.

But he was becoming obsessed.

He wouldn't sleep, he wouldn't eat, he wouldn't leave the studio. All he did was write and write and write until he collapsed on the floor.

No one noticed how bad the situation was because Yoongi had done this before. Although at those times, he would actually sleep in the studio rather than overwork himself till collapsing. The other members jut thought he would sleep there, and they didn't ask him why he didn't go back to the dorm with them.

One day though, Taehyung actually began to worry about Yoongi never leaving the studio, and that night, he bought some food and went to visit Yoongi.

He knocked the door three times and waited for about four minutes before Yoongi actually opened. He smiled at him and Yoongi swore he would've punch Taehyung in the face if it wasn't because he was too weak to do so.

"What do you want?" Yoongi said.

"I came to visit you Hyung!" Taehyung said "I brought food"

"I'm not hungry"

"Oh come on"

"Just leave, Taehyung, I'm not in the mood to deal with you right now"

"Deal with me?" The smile disappeared from Taehyungs face and Yoongi suddenly felt guilty. "I'm sorry" he looked down to the floor sad "I didn't know I was a burden to you" Yoongi groaned.

"Shut up" He said clenching his teeth.

"What?"

"Shut up!"

Taehyung had absolutely no idea what to do. He was both afraid and worried and because Yoongi had literally tell him to shut up, Taehyung simply couldn't do anything else but stay silent.

He stared at Yoongi. At first, he was scared of what the older would do to him, because when he'd shout at him, all Taehyung could see was anger in his eyes, but as time went by, he slowly saw how that anger was replaced by sadness, and he was actually surprised when he saw that his Hyung, the strong badass Min Yoongi, was crying.

"Leave" he said after some time. "Just leave Taehyung"

"Hyung..." He said without moving "Can you tell me what's wrong?"

"No, Taehyung"

"Hyung..."

"Just leave Taehyung, for fucks sake, just leave"

"Yoongi hyung! Please tell me what's wrong!"

"Shut up! What the fuck do you want me to say!? 'Ah, Taehyung, I have a crush on you?' Go to hell! It's not like you even care! You come here you smile at me, you make me think you are worried about me and then you fucking run to your boyfriend forgetting completely about me until I lock myself in my fucking studio and you think 'maybe somethings wrong with my Hyung' just fuck off, yeah? Just fucking leave"

Taehyung blinked astonished.

"You have a crush on me?"

"Just fucking leave Taehyung"

"You should have fucking told me you had a crush on me Yoongi hyung"

"What?"

"I could've just... I don't know Hyung! You should've told me!"

"Shut up! Don't you understand it hurts! Fucking leave already!"

Suddenly Taehyung realized what he had done.

"I'm sorry I didn't think..."

"Shut up." The tears were back, and Taehyung couldn't do anything but feel guilty. "Shut up Taehyung, Please"

"I..."

"Leave" he said, the tears falling down his cheeks "Leave"

**
You do realize Taehyung hates you now, right?

"Leave me alone"

You fucked up.

You're such a mess.

He doesn't like you because you're not even an artist

He doesn't even want you to be in the group

Now that he hates you should just die.

Die, let him be happy with Hoseok.

If you die he doesn't have to worry about you liking him.

You're worthless

Your life is not important

You should die

**

He looked himself in the mirror, crying in frustration. He hated his looks, he hated himself. He punched the mirror with his fist and the glass broke into pieces. He looked at his bleeding hand and sighed, it didn't hurt, no it didn't hurt as much as his heart. He needed it to hurt more.

He took a piece of the glass and looked at it, and though he knew he shouldn't do it he pressed it agains his skin, and made a perfectly horizontal cut.

**

Two days after when Yoongi went back to the dorm because he needed to shower and change his clothes (as well as clean his wounds correctly), he ignored Taehyung completely.

It had been hard for both, because Taehyung really cared about Yoongi, and he knew he had fucked up by asking him why he hadn't tell him about his crush earlier, so he felt incredibly guilty, while for Yoongi well, it wasn't like he had gotten over his crush on Taehyung in two days. But even when they were hurt, they knew it was better if both stayed away from each other for the time being.

And so, Yoongi went to his room, took the first long sleeved shirt he found, a pair of jeans and some underwear, and went to the bathroom, praying to whatever entity was up there that no one saw the perfect cuts he had.