Journey to the Past is a Pokémon fan fiction about three powerful trainers named Chris, Alia, and Bryan, who set out on a dangerous mission to reclaim Celebi after that Pokémon was stolen from Professor Elm. On the way they face tough battles, unexpected enemies, and a lot of twists. They will also discover that one of them has a very special power, and, with it, he might just be able to save Celebi... and the world.
This story was written by arvin12pascual, the same author as I'm So Sorry, a Pokémon one shot I've reviewed previously. He's told me that he loves getting constructive criticism, and I think that's great because I see this story as having great ideas and a lot of excitement, but it also has definite room for improvement.
I think that this story's greatest strength is that it is very exciting. The action starts right away with the theft of Celebi and the gathering of the three trainers to start their mission. And, even as they're just starting out, we get action in the form of an attack by a wild Houndoom. The action and plot development never seem to slow for a second, and it also delivers surprise after surprise in the form of plot twists and sudden revelations.
With all of those twists, however, I would have liked to have a bit more time to slow down between each one, just to get used to the new state of things before getting hit with something else. This could be because I read the story all at once rather than waiting for each new chapter to come out, but, on Wattpad, it is important to consider that people may end up reading it in different ways.
This goes along with the fact that, in general, the story could have used a bit more scene and a bit less summary. For those who don't know what I mean, it's a principle of writing that is similar to the old saying "Show, don't tell." Instead of telling the reader what happened, say: "Chikorita used Razor Leaf on the Magikarp, causing it to faint," draw it out into a scene by using more descriptions: "Chikorita swirled around the leaf on her head, staring intently at her target before unleashing a stream of Razor Leaves that shot right through the thin layer of water the Magikarp was hiding under. Magikarp flailed helplessly as the sharp leaves penetrated the cracks between his rock-hard scales, cutting into the soft skin beneath. It was too much: he fainted from the pain, turning onto his side and slowly floating to the surface." That's just an example I came up with on the spot, but I think it demonstrates my point. This is something that a lot of beginning writers eventually learn.
Even more than that, though, what I think this story needs is a greater depiction of the character's relationships and their motivations. To take the beginning as an example, I found myself wondering whether these three chosen trainers had known each other previously or whether they had just met. If they had known each other, I would have liked to see that reflected somehow. If they had just met, I would have liked to see some sort of introduction or process of getting to know each other. There were a lot of places later on in the story where I would have liked to see something like this as well. As far as motivation, this is as simple as explaining why the characters agreed to go on the mission and why it is important to them. This would give us even more of a reason to root for them.
And, yes, there is some copy editing that could be done as well. A strangely worded sentence or a missing comma might not seem like much, but there's a big difference between "Let's eat, Grandma!" and "Let's eat Grandma!" That's a difference that I noticed in this story when a character finishes preparing food and then says, "Enjoy my beloved Pokémon!" For a second there I was like, "Wait, what?! They eat Pokémon?!" It was actually pretty funny when I realized it, but, yes, comma, please!
There's a lot more that I could say about this story, but I prefer not to get into too many particulars that would potentially spoil aspects of the story for those who haven't read yet read it. Overall there is a lot of energy in this story. That's the main thing I noticed about it, and, with some of these suggestions put into practice, it could potentially gain even more of it.
** Published in November 2013 **
YOU ARE READING
d_s_t_e's Wattpad Reviews
Random[Closed] For all those looking for the best quality books that Wattpad has to offer: this is the review book for you. With a bachelor's degree in Writing and over six years of experience on this website, I'll bring you recommendations for the best b...
