d_s_t_e's Wattpad Reviews

Candor by NaivEevee [Pokémon]

Selah, daughter of Red and Yellow, is passionate about playing the piano. It's so important to her that she is crushed by the fact that her father never attends a single one of her performances, even though he promised that he would. At every recital and competition, she watches for him, but over time she becomes more and more embittered. While attempting to push through a seemingly ordinary recital, Selah's performance is unexpectedly interrupted.

This is a bit unusual for me, but I want to start by drawing attention to that beautiful cover. This isn't the cover that the book had originally, and I have to say that I was really impressed by the improvement. The colors, the subject matter, and the framing are all spot on for this story, and even the PWA awards sticker blends in nicely. I think this cover definitely would help to draw readers in, giving them a taste of what's to come, setting the tone, and showing off its award sticker in a way that suggests quality writing. I wouldn't change a thing here.

As for the story itself, I have to say that it has also improved since I judged it for the Pokémon Watty Awards this past year, which is really something given that it took third place in the one shot category as it was before. I think that Selah is much more fully fleshed out as a character, especially in terms of her emotional state throughout the story. I really enjoyed seeing her develop throughout the story, and it felt much deeper and more meaningful for that additional thought and focus.

Unfortunately, though, some of my original complaints about the story still remain. The biggest problem I've had with it is that there are certain parts that don't make much sense to me. The first is the interruption of the piano recital. While I completely understand why Selah's mother would have gotten called in the middle of the recital and why she would have refused to hang up and sit back down, what I have not been able to understand is why she didn't allow Selah to finish the final few measures of her music. 

** Spoilers ** At this point, Yellow knew that her husband was already dead. We learn that he was killed instantly by a gun shot to the head. The police also know exactly who killed him, as well as enough facts about his motivation and mental state to suggest that he was apprehended at the scene. This means that no amount of rushing is going to change Red's fate or allow his family to see him alive for one final time. Whether they leave in the middle of the piece or after it's done, there will be no difference. It also means that there is no reason to believe that either of them is facing any kind of personal danger, such that they might need to leave in order to go into protective custody or something of the sort. It would seem more likely to me that Yellow would be in shock or denial, causing her to freeze up for at least a short while. It would also make sense to me that, as a mother, she would want to spare her daughter from the horrible news at least until the end of the sonata that was so important to her, as well as wanting to pull her aside to share the news quietly rather than publicly. All in all, I just don't see why she panics in the way that she does. 

The second part that I don't understand is why Selah's father never told her that he was attending her recitals in secret. I think this might be something that the author herself has an explanation for, but my point is that it's not obvious to the reader through the text, especially because he openly expresses a wish that he didn't have to hide himself. He says that he's hiding because of his celebrity, meaning that there is seemingly no obstacle preventing him from telling Selah about it in private. The fact that he addresses her in the videos that he makes also suggests that he had always intended for her to see them. What was he waiting for? Since this is such a major point of the plot, I would really like more clarity here. ** Spoilers end **

Other than that, my biggest complaints are the technical ones. The style in this one shot is so beautiful and polished at times that it just kills me to see the awkwardness of the errors spoiling the effect. The biggest issue is the tense switching. It seems that the story is meant to be in present tense, but it slips into past tense in seemingly random sentences. In other places, it seems like it's trying to be the correct tense, but the verbs are not conjugated correctly for that tense. This happens very often when the author uses the word "could" instead of the word "can". It seemed like the author thought this could be used for present tense, but it really is the past tense form of the verb.

The second most annoying error was awkward or just plain incorrect word choices, like using the word "weaning" instead of "waning". "Weaning" is what you do when you're trying to get a baby to start eating solid foods instead of always drinking milk. "Waning" is when something gets weaker or decreases in size. Very different meanings, and using the wrong word is a bit jarring. Spell check won't catch mistakes like these, so you have to read over everything very carefully.

Other errors included problems with subject-verb agreement and punctuation errors, especially with commas. These don't bother me quite as much as the others because they don't do as much to take me out of the story, but they should still be resolved if the story is to really shine on account of its style and quality (which it is so close to doing).

This story has a lot of positives to it that I haven't even mentioned yet. The description of the piano recital is detailed and accurate, really pulling the readers into the experience in an authentic way. The tension builds skillfully. The characters are described with just enough detail and in just the right amount of space, and the entire story has descriptions and details that make everything come to life. Truly, the flaws in this story are disappointing given the amount of potential that I can clearly see in it. I'm glad to see that the author has improved it as much as she has, and I would be even happier to see some of my concerns addressed as well. Even as the story currently stands, though, I can say that it gets my recommendation.