d_s_t_e's Wattpad Reviews

MAMA by -infires_ [Unavailable]

Red is a quiet and troubled child. He lost his father at the age of four, but he has a mother who cares about him. When she asks Professor Oak to give her son a Pokémon, he sets out on a journey. But what happens to the woman who is left behind?

One thing I liked about this story is that it has a particular style and cadence that was very clear to me. I felt as though I could hear the main character's voice with almost every sentence, just as if she was talking to me.

I also think that this story works pretty well as a one shot. It's not any longer than it needs to be, nor does it feel over-summarized or rushed. It has a steady plot with a beginning, middle, and end that progress fairly smoothly.

The use of second person is something that many people often complain about, but, in this case, I thought that it worked because it was very clear to me from the description that the narrator wasn't intending to speak to the reader. The "you" being referred to was Red, so that kept it comfortable for me.

The problem I had actually came later on, when the perspective switched to first person and became far more episodic in the present moment. In fact, this section of the story starts out in the present tense before switching to past. That's a problem in itself, but more about that later. Although this section is clearly set apart from the one that came before, I still found it a bit jarring, as though it didn't quite fit with the rest of the story. I really enjoyed hearing the main character's voice as she narrated the events in the letter to her son, and I wanted more of that rather than mundane details about how she shops for groceries.

It's not an outright error, but I really think the story could be improved with more consistency. There is an entire category in literature of books that are written entirely in letters. Dracula would be one popular example. These are called epistolary, and all the ones that I have read don't break out of their format. They may switch from letters to journal entries or clippings from newspaper articles or similar things, but they always keep the format and the feel of something that the character has written in their own world. The final section here feels like a book written in first person, not like something written by the main character, as the first part was.

I understand that the first letter needs to end where it did and that more needs to be said because the story doesn't end with it. I don't argue those points at all, and I like the format of the first section as it is. If I was writing the second portion, I would consider rewriting it as a letter to Ethan that tells him about all of the events that happened after he left. I think this would make sense given his part in the events and the fact that the two characters are said to have formed a bond. I also think this would lend the oneshot more of that consistent feel, given that the transition is handled with the second letter being clearly addressed to Ethan from the start.

Besides that, one minor plot element that stood out to me was the running shoes. I found it interesting that the events of the story so closely mirrored those of the games, but I also thought that the shoes were not very significant to this particular plot. The main character simply forgot them and sent them later, which isn't very interesting or significant. I wonder if it might be improved by having a different reason for the shoes being sent, like the main character missing Red and wanting to give him something special. It could be an excuse to write to him, a hope that he will think of her.

Besides that, my biggest issues were technical ones. Tense switching is at the top of the list. I mentioned earlier that there's a brief switch to present tense. That absolutely should be corrected. What I find more pressing, however, was the fact that the story is switching tenses in a way that many readers and beginning writers may find to be more subtle. It's not switching from past to present, it's switching from past to past perfect.

Past perfect is the tense that uses the word "had" before the verb, and it's not the same as just past tense. Saying that he "ran" is different from saying that he "had run". Past tense shows that events have already happened. Past perfect is the tense that is used when you are already in the past tense and want to discuss something that happened even further back in the past. Using it implies that you are moving in time, so, when this story uses it like just another way to write sentences in the past tense, it is actually being inconsistent.

Beyond that, I noticed a lot of punctuation errors, although not big obvious ones like missing periods and the like. Mostly, there were missing commas and semicolon misuse. I also noticed some word errors, like "distant" instead of "distance" and "overprotected" instead of "overprotective".

Also, please don't use the word "orbs" when you mean "eyes". I wrote about this, as well as tense switching, in the chapter of my writing tips book that talks about errors from last year's Pokémon Watties. All interested parties should check it out.

I think that this story could use a bit of editing and polishing, but it does have some promise as a short and simple one shot. It might make a nice brief read for Pokémon fans.

** Published in May 2017 **