Just One Of The Boys

Letting Go | pt. 2

"YOU DID WHAT?" Carter screams at me. She had walked into my room about ten minutes ago. Coming to check in on me and my head.

"I said I think I kissed him." I reply back while waving my hands at her to sit down.

"Damn." Carter says sitting down again. "KJ, after all this time! KJ?"

"I mean yeah..." I look down hiding my face as the blood rushes to it.

"Awe!" Carter pokes my cheek. I roll my eyes and push her off my bed.

"Okay okay go away. He'll be here any minute and I have to get ready."

"Gotta look pretty for your new beau" Carter teases making a face.

"More like I have to go see mom." I look at her and see her giggly expression be wiped off her face.

"Oh. Right." Carter nods. She nervously plays with her fingers before looking up and giving me a soft smile, " good luck..."

I smiled back knowing she meant it but she was as worried as me. We didn't talk about mom anymore. It was as if all the light was sucked out of Carter's life when her name was even mentioned. It was hard for me as well but in a different way.

I found myself very rarely even thinking about her. As awe full as it sounded, it was just easier that way.

Being more focused on the present meant it was easier to be happy. Usually it worked out, but right now as I stood in my bathroom staring at myself in the mirror I was far from happy. My eyes were gaunt and sunken. Dark circles were under my eyes and to be quite frank- I look like hell.

I let out a groan before getting into the shower to wash off all of last nights events. But I couldn't stop myself from starting to panic about seeing KJ.

I got out of the shower, hair dripping wet. My towel wrapped tightly around me grumbling in front of my closet.

"Liz? You ready?" I hear KJ at my door. I here the doorknob turn and I rush into my closet, sliding the door closed after me.

"Um Liz?" I hear KJ. My hear racing, I mentally slap myself for somehow deciding that hiding in the freaking closet was a good idea.

I open up the closet and poke my head out.

"Hi, ya I'm not ready yet."

"Why are you in the closet..." KJ says slowly looking at me with a very confused expression.

"Um...I- uh - trying to find something." I stumble out awkwardly.

"Um, alright...I'll wait downstairs I guess." KJ scratches the back of his head before waving awkwardly and leaving the room.

After making myself presentable, and thanking God for the invention of concealer, I go downstairs to see KJ sitting on the couch laughing at his phone. I sneak up behind him and poke him shouting, "boo!"

He jumps up in surprise before turning around with a smile.

"Hey there." He says.

"Morning!" I reply cheerfully.

"You ready?" He asks gently. I let my expression fall knowing it's no use to fake it in front of KJ.

"No, but...it has to be done." I say back before sitting down next to him. He nudges me and I keep my eyes on my hands trying to keep my nerves down. I couldn't believe I was actually about to see her again.

"Hey." He says gently. I feel his hand brush my chin and he directs my head to face his. He smiles, "you can do this."

I simply nod not able to answer. And he smiles with understanding. He soon intertwines our fingers and pulls me up from the couch. My hands tingle at his touch but I do my best to push it aside

We make our way to the car and drive out of town.

The drive was long but it wasn't hard being in the car with KJ. He knew when to talk, when to cheer me up and when to leave me be.

"So have you figured out what to say?" KJ asks an hour into the drive.

"Not exactly. I'm not mad anymore...not like Carter. Honestly the thought of her just upsets me and then imagining her so vulnerable and in pain...I mean I wouldn't wish this on anyone." I says slowly.

"You're such a good person. Better than most- you know that? I mean after everything she has done...you're still so forgiving." KJ says.

"I just see no point in being bitter is all. I can't say I forgive her...I don't know if that will happen anytime soon...but after everything saying goodbye-" I stumble on my last words. Taking a breath and wiping my eyes I continue, "it's not something I ever imagined I'd have to do."

KJ nods and takes my hand in his own. We drive in silence the rest of the way, just the car radio humming in the background. His hand stays laced in mine and it becomes somewhat of an anchor.

Before I know it were three towns over and pulling into a foreign hospital.

I notice myself holding my breath and quickly regain my self trying to again keep my nerves at bay.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

"I can't do this." I turn around the KJ before walking into the front doors of the hospital.

"I can't- I can't-" I ramble tears threatening to flood over.

KJ grabs my arms running circles on them. "Yes. Yes you can. You have to do this for yourself. For your future. Maybe, maybe it'll be good to talk to her. Somewhere deep down she must want what's best for you."

"Kaden..." I whisper fear dripping from my words.

"Elizabeth. Trust me. You can. I'm right here with you." He smiles squeezing my shoulders before turning me around to face the entrance again.

We greet the front desk, signing in and the going to the directed floor.

Level 4. Wing 2. Room 305.

We make our way out of the elevator on the 4th level I look for signs.

Wing 2. Room 305.

We find the second wing after asking around and walk past the dozens of doors.

299.

300.

301.

302.

303.

304.

I stop, "Kaden..."

"Do you want to take a minute..." He says tightening his grip on my hand. I nod furiously. And he guides me to the seats outside of room 304.

I sit and sit. Not moving for more than 30 minutes. KJ doesn't speak. He just rubs circles with his thumb on my hand and I focus on my breathing.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

"Ready?" Kaden asks seeing my expression. I nod and stand confidently. I unlink my hand from his and walk up to room 305. I place my hand on the door and turn the nob. I open the door. It creaks loudly before revealing a small women with tubs and wires attached to her. And all at once all my confidence melts away.

"Mom?" I creak out seeing her make eye contact with me. She exhales before something unreadable crosses her face,

"Elizabeth." And before I can believe it she smiles.