Lying To Hide These Feelings veeoneeye/lukeisnotsexy

Chapter 11

Chapter 11

It's been a while since I told Jason about my troubles. He has helped me.He's been there to listen. Sometimes we just lay there and I talk about how I feel and he just listens. He's good at that.

   One thing I haven't told him is that I love him. I can no longer cope with these feelings. I have accepted them, but I can't live with them. It hurts too much.

Even though I have Jason to talk to. My problems haven't gone away. Day by day I get worse. I feel like I have nobody. Nobody is on my side. The world is against me. I'm against me.

Picking up my pen I begin to write.

March 26th 2013.

It's been some time since I've felt 'normal'. I feel like I'm not living. Like, I'm really dead, but my body is still here. I feel like I'm in a constant day dream.  It's hard to wake up in the morning and to get on with my rest of my day.

   I'm so selfish. I have the most caring family, the most amazing friends and wonderful fans. But why? I don't deserve any of them. All they want is for me to do good in life. I can't even do that. I'm letting them down. I'm letting myself down.

I'm so worthless. I haven't shed a tear whilst writing this. I've become so immune to everything.

  Everyday it gets harder. Every morning I have the constant argument with myself about ending it all. Some times the urge is stronger than others. Now, it's almost impossible to not want to end this. It's all I've thought about recently.

     So, I guess this is it. This is the end.

                       ~ Luke

I place the pen down. Tearing a peice of paper out from my diary, I begin to write.

Hello. I don't know what i'm meant to write in here. I guess it's something that has always been on my mind, but i've never thought of. I don't want you to think that this is my suicide note, because it's not. It's more of an apology.

     Mum, I'm sorry. I really am. I don't want you to be too upset by this. I know you've noticed me getting bad again, but you've been too scared to say. It's okay though, you don't have to say it anymore. I'm sorry for not being the best son in the world. I tried my best. I really did. Promise me now that you won't blame yourself for this. None of this is your fault. It's mine. You've been amazing my whole life. Thank you for bringing me into this world, but now, it's time for me to leave. I love you, mum x

    Dad. I'm sorry. Please look after mum. Don't let her blame herself. Promise me that you'll look after her the best you can. I'm sorry for not being the best son in the world. I'm sorry that I wasn't into football. I'm sorry that we didn't go to matches every week.  I also don't want you to blame yourself, because it's not your fault. I didn't say this enough to you, but I love you. I love you, dad x

   Jason. I'm sorry. I just couldn't. You have been the bestest friend ever. I couldn't ask for anyone better, because they don't exist. I hope you do well in life. I hope one day you marry the person of your dreams, and have the most beautiful children. Maybe you can name one after me huh? I'm joking. Jason, even though I won't be with you physically, but I will always be with you. In your heart. I'll look over you, I promise. I'll be up there, smiling down, and i'll be the proudest person up there.

I'll tell everyone that you're my best friend and I'll tell them all of our stories.Please don't you EVER blame yourself for this Jason. You've helped me as much as you can. You really have and I appreciate that with all of my heart.

    Remember when you said to me "If you weren't here, then I wouldn't be here" well DO NOT go by these words. I want you to continue with your life. I want you to show others that they can get better. 

   Jason, one last thing. My diary. I want you to have it. You don't have to read it. You can throw it away if you like. It has all of my deepest thoughts inside. It reveals my thoughts on you. Nothing bad, it's all good things, I promise. I love you, Jason. I can't express how much I love you. I love you in every way possible. I'm so sorry.

         I love you, Jason <3

               ~ Luke x.

With the last dot on the page, I placed the letter, along with my diary on my desk. Taking a deep breath, I step up onto the chair. Placing the cold rope around my neck. One foot. Two feet. This is it. This is the end.

Thank you guys for reading. This is the last chapter! Maybe I will write a sequel sometime, maybe, maybe not. I would like to mention that I don't ship Jason and Luke. So yeah, I love you and thank you so much for reading!