Lying To Hide These Feelings veeoneeye/lukeisnotsexy

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

THIS IS A TRIGGER WARNING. SOME MAY FIND THIS TRIGGERING SOME MAY NOT.

What is wrong with me? I need to get these thoughts out of my head.

  I stood up, reaching behind multiple books to get the thing I need. I held the cold book in my hands. Setting myself onto my bed, I open it up. I sigh as I read my last entry.

  September 9th 2010

I haven't hurt myself in a while. I haven't felt the need to. I have been feeling weird. Sometimes, I feel like i'm in a day dream for most of the day. It's weird. I can feel myself getting better.

   One thing I am worried about. I think i've developed feelings for Jason. No. I'm not gay. I can't be gay. Maybe I feel like this because I haven't had a proper best friend before. I'm not sure.

Well, I'll write soon.  ~ Luke

I closed my eyes tightly. Picking up a pen I start to write.

February 16th 2013

I've got bad again. I told myself that I wouldn't need to write anymore. I'm scared. Scared. Tonight, Jason had a party. It was going fine until April talked to me. She was being nice, until she spat something at me along the lines of "have your scars gone? no you're still an ugly weirdo" and she's right. I am an ugly weirdo. I left the party. Crying. Jason ran after me, telling to to stop. But I told him that I couldn't do this anymore and he left me alone. He went back to the party. So much for forever, Jason.

Jason and I were in the park the other night/morning. We lay on the grass talking about life and Jason told me that I was his bestest friend in the whole world. And it made my smile. It really did. I told him that I loved him. He accepted it as a friendship way. I meant it in more ways than friendship. But I guess he'll never know that.

  I'm scared. What if I hurt myself again? I've been tempted, but I fought the desire. What happens if I can't fight it anymore? I don't think i'm strong enough to go through this all over again.

I placed the pen down and glanced at my arms. Little white scars lay upon them. They were ugly. Just like me. STOP IT LUKE.

  I picked myself up and quietly went to the bathroom. I searched everywhere. I couldn't find what I needed. Leaving the bathroom, going back into my room. I searched frantically. I found it. I found what I was looking for.  Perching myself upon my bed. I closed my eyes. Bringing the small object to my arm. I gasped as it slid along my soft skin. I didn't want to look. It was ugly. I'm ugly.

I gave in. I had to. I could no longer have the battle with myself.  Welcome back Luke. Welcome back. I'm sorry.

       ~ Luke

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