Love the Way You Lie

The Last Testiment

I am sorry. This is the only thing I can say. I can't deny my love for Kevin. But I do know he is bad for me. I won't go on anymore trying to love someone I know adores me. I know I probably break his heart every day by not giving him the love he deserves.

My "I love you" are fake. I don't understand why he still believes them. Maybe he just wants to be happy? Did he even care about me? How could he...he... he's using me! No.. no.

I won't be a victim anymore. I know for sure that now. Now I must this. I know that I cannot be strong and hold up for myself. This has been evident since I was a child. I always followed anyone who would let me follow. I would be trampled on no matter how long or hard I tried to fight back.

I remember the first time I tried to stand up to Kevin's abuse. The least to say I couldn't even get up to go to work for the following week. He basically cracked my soul that night. From there. From there is when I slowly descended into my depressive state. Where I slowly began to believe that I was sore in life.

I always thought I would die one night. During or after a beating from Kevin. And to be honest. I think had Nat not came when he did, then I would be 6 feet under. And to set things straight. I have gotten better. I have laughed more with Nat. I have been better with him. But no one would or could replace Kevin. And without him in my life, I stay where I am.

I hate to be a coward and not face Nat like a man. But I cannot stay with him. And I cannot stand to watch as I crush his heart. I know the first thing that might be thought is that I was still in love with Kevin and want to be with him. And it is true. But I know that when Kevin does come out of prison, that I will run back to him. I will make myself vulnerable and I will basically let him kill me. Nothing would be more tragic. But I don't want that. I would rather go out on my own terms than to go out not knowing when I will.

I'm sorry to anyone I hurt. I'm sorry that no one will read this. I just write this. To have a clear mind. And here is what I leave on the table.

I know I will break Nat's heart.

I know I leave Kevin alone in this world, but I think it is for the best. 
I leave this world, knowing I was loved, knowing that I am loved. I guess if I want to believe Nat could really love me.

Farewell,
Eddward Vincent